A&A Ep. 87
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
Karrie: and Karrie, two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self-awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode.
Karrie: Hello and welcome back to The Awakened and Alive After 40 podcast. We are your hosts, Karrie and Dominique, and today we are going to be talking about a topic that for Dominique and myself, it really resonates, so we're hoping it resonates for some of our listeners as well, and that is [00:01:00] this idea that many of us have a level of fear in speaking out about our own truth. It sort of can make us change how we speak in front of certain people, or whoever our audience may be. Maybe we know there are certain topics we don't want to bring up around certain people, even though it could be topics that are really, really meaningful to us or something that we feel really passionate about, and because of whatever fear it can be, a fear of rejection, a fear of our image changing, a fear of abandonment or love being taken away from us, we edit ourselves or we inhibit our own voice. And so we just wanted to explore this topic a little more deeply and talk about why many of us may do this and then ways we can break free of this patterning.
Dominique: Yeah, I know for me there was tremendous fear of sharing my voice and my truth growing up. So [00:02:00] this episode speaks to my heart for sure. Of course, I think the majority of us out there have some sense of fear. Maybe it's fear of not getting it right or saying something quote, unquote, stupid, that doesn't make sense, and it's one of those things where because of my own childhood upbringing and the stories that I created, my narrative growing up, for me sharing my voice meant that it was unsafe, that I would potentially be abandoned or that I would get it wrong somehow, and that just wouldn't look good. That'd be frowned upon. I also had a lot of perfectionism in me at that time too, so I didn't want to say the wrong things. And so that held me back for quite a while. And that's been most of my journey over the years of reconnecting to my truth, reconnecting to my authenticity is rediscovering my voice, discovering what it [00:03:00] sounds like, what she believes, what she wants to speak as far as her truth. And it's been a real beautiful awakening for me over this time, too.
Karrie: Yeah, that completely resonates with me as well. And I think I'm probably even a little bit behind you in this journey, Dominique, because it's been just in the more recent years when I've realized how much I had been taught or created my own story around this idea that my opinion or my belief or my truth had to match up with the person I was talking to in order to be accepted or loved just because discourse and disagreement was very frowned upon in my family and a lot of judgment was displayed toward people who thought differently than them, and so yeah, a lot of my own growth work has been around letting go of that and trusting that people [00:04:00] won't abandon me because maybe I have a different truth than they have or a different idea of how I want to lead my life or whatever it may be. And if abandonment or rejection does occur, then that person was never really a good fit for me anyway.
Dominique: Yeah, yeah. Now, of course, you realize that, right? Yeah, but I feel like for most of us with that abandonment wound, and I think it's important to note here that it's completely normal to fear abandonment, because we are hardwired for connection. That is within our biology, that is within our nervous system. And so when this fear of sharing our voice, sharing our beliefs, our truth, is real, is present there, then we feel like, Oh my gosh, I am going to be left out in the cold. I am going to have to survive on my own, and I am going to have no one by my side. When in reality, it's not true. That's the whole process though, of learning to share your voice and to lean into your truth is like you [00:05:00] said, realizing, okay, well, that person's just not for me, or they're just not ready to receive the information that I am sharing. It's not a reflection on your worth or anyone else's worth if they are feeling unheard or that the fear of abandonment is present. Yeah, that's the process of understanding that we all desire connection. We all desire to be heard and to feel seen. And that's a big thing within the world of being a Projector, also known as an Orchestrator in the quantum language. I very much resonate with the Orchestrator language. When it comes to Projectors, our strategy is to wait for an invitation, wait to be recognized for what it is we have to offer, and be invited to share. Every one of the energy types in Human Design has a waiting process, and that's the beauty of [00:06:00] it is we're learning to not just react, but to respond when our energy is going to best be used. For us as Orchestrators, that is going to be through recognition. However, if we're wanting to push right timing then we may speak out and just blurt anything out and of course, I don't know about you, but if someone just starts blurting information at me that I'm not ready to receive, I might have the tendency to just be like okay, whatever. You can stop now. Because it almost feels like you're intruding upon that person. And that's very much what it's like as I've experienced the Projector energy within myself, and I've reflected back in time, when was my voice really heard and accepted and when was it not? A lot of the times it's because I was pushing for attention when I felt I was unheard. Does that resonate with you, Karrie, as a Projector [00:07:00] Orchestrator yourself?
Karrie: Yeah, especially looking back in childhood and teenage years, I think people would have probably described me as a bit of a know it all or someone who was always trying to push my idea of what I thought they should do or what I thought was best onto people, like you said, without them inviting it. And that's like really intrusive to people if they're not seeking advice or seeking your opinion and you push it on people, then it's really off putting.
Dominique: Yeah, that's classic. What I have heard from so many other Orchestrators, too, is that they're like, well, I knew this was going to be helpful for them, so I just shared it, and they shot it down. Or they were called bossy or nosy or know it all. I know I've been called a few of those throughout my younger years as well. And that's just because we've got this body of wisdom to whatever [00:08:00] your specific gift is at this moment on Earth. You're here to share that. And when it's just bubbling up inside of you, you want to just explode and give it to the whole world. But it's all about the right timing for it for people to be able to receive that information as well. For me over the years, as I kind of shut that voice down in me because of being called a know it all or bossy or feeling unsafe, that restricted my voice throughout adulthood as well. And the funny thing is, it's not funny, but now I can look back on it, is that It started to manifest in different ways in my body. I was diagnosed with a parathyroid adenoma at the age of 28, and the biological link with the Throat Center in Human Design is the thyroid and parathyroid. So if you are not expressing it properly, if you're not expressing [00:09:00] that energy properly, then sometimes. these issues with thyroid or parathyroid can manifest within your body. For me, it came in the form of a parathyroid adenoma that I had removed. And then also I had this absolutely irritating dry cough for probably 10 years. I had so much testing done. The doctors were like, I don't know what to tell you. Allergy testing, negative. CT scans, negative. Then I had the blessing of working with The Anxiety Doctor, Dr. Russell Kennedy. He has a book, The Anxiety RX. I've talked about it before. Absolutely fantastic. I worked with him in a small intimate group and he mentioned to me that he felt a sense of blockage within my throat, and he gave me some things to work on. Moving the energy, using my voice, speaking my truth was a big part of it. Within a couple of weeks, my cough was completely gone. My parents even noticed, [00:10:00] they asked, what did you do different? You've had this cough for over 10 years. What changed? Of course, I told them what it was that I used energy movement, and they were like, um, okay. I was like, look, I'm not going to knock it because it literally changed everything once I started using my voice and moving that energy again.
Karrie: That's fascinating because probably I would say starting in the early 2000s through probably, I don't know, five years ago, every year I would just get a horrific cough, it would last weeks. Or a horrible sore throat. I had just all these throat issues. I was always like something was going on with my throat or my lungs, and those were the only kinds of illnesses I ever got. I didn't make any energetic connection with anything, but I definitely have stepped into living more truthfully and more authentically to myself within the last five years, and I never have throat stuff now. [00:11:00] Like, I don't get those illnesses anymore.
Dominique: Yeah, that energy movement. And you and I both have defined Throat Centers. And we have them defined, but that doesn't mean that we can speak without being invited still, because there's the difference between motorized and non-motorized. So if you have a motorized Throat Center, that means it connects to one of the four motors. You have the Will Center, Emotional Solar Plexus, Sacral Center, and the Root Center. Those four are motor centers. They push energy up to the throat. So if you have one of those connect to your throat, you're going to be either a Manifester or a Manifesting Generator. And you can speak from a place of inspiration when you feel inspired to speak and words create. They carry frequency, and that's why having that connection to your truth and working through that fear of speaking your truth is so crucial for your own [00:12:00] wellbeing, for your own creation of the world and life that you're desiring. And so with this motorized Throat Center, it's very different for those that are not motorized. And we have non-motorized Throat Centers. So we don't have that connection to just speaking and being heard like the Manifestor or Manifesting Generator has. Like I mentioned earlier, if we speak without first being invited to share what it is we have, then the person receiving it could not be ready and turn it down. And then that makes us feel lesser than at times or that we're just not being heard or seen, so that can impact our sense of value and self-worth. So it's all really about the waiting process when it comes to a non-motorized Throat. It's something where it's all energy movement, and it's crucial not only for moving the energy for that flow and manifestation, [00:13:00] but for our biological health, what's happening within our bodies. Like you shared, this cough and these illnesses, and I had a parathyroid tumor, and these things all really link to our sense of value and worth as well.
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Karrie: When looking at this idea of stepping into our truth and feeling more at ease with speaking it, when talking about the Enneagram framework, obviously all people, to some extent in our lives, we may [00:14:00] mold ourselves or change ourselves to fit into a social group or a family structure or whatever it may be. It's a completely normal human process that we all have done. But there are three types that may tend to do this a little bit more throughout their lives than the others, and those are the three types in the Center of Intelligence that's the Heart Center, which are Types 2, 3, and 4. These types just tend to naturally be more image-focused than the other types. They tend to be a little bit more concerned with their false self, or their persona, or what we may call personality, how they appear to the outside world rather than their authentic essence on the inside. They also have a strong desire for attention, so they really want people to like them or to accept them in some way because they want to have this outside attention from others. And these three types also may have some [00:15:00] issues with wanting more significance, and their identity to be recognized and accepted more so than the other types. For each of these three types, it may look different because they each have different core fears and core desires. But it boils down to them wanting to be significant to other people in some way.
Dominique: Mmmm I love that. So I'm curious with you being a 1 and me being a 9, how that connection of the fear behind speaking truth for a 1 might look like, or maybe just sharing how you experienced it.
Karrie: No, I think for both of our types speaking in general, through the lens of the Enneagram, it is pretty obvious, like for Type 9, so your type, that fear is generally based in fear of conflict and fear of creating any kind of rocking of the boat. They just want to create a comfortable, calm environment, and that to Type 9s generally means that everyone around [00:16:00] them is at ease and at peace and okay, so they'll do anything to try to manage that.
Dominique: Yep. I would agree with everything. I'd be like, Oh, yep. Okay. That sounds good. Sure. Yeah, we can do that. Like yeah.
Karrie: And then for Type 1s, my type, I think Type 1s desperately want to be right all the time, but they also want to be accepted for their goodness. So if they feel like maybe their truth or their authentic self doesn't fit in with how they've been conditioned is a good person or the right way to be, it can be really disorienting because then Type 1s have to, for themselves, which they're a Dependent type, so it can be very difficult for them, for themselves they have to rewrite what is a good person. What is the right way to be? If it's not how I was raised or conditioned to think, then that throws off my whole paradigm of life and now I have to try to reconstruct it for myself and accept [00:17:00] that.
Dominique: Yeah. Yeah.
Karrie: And risk being seen as not right or not good in the eyes of others, which is terrifying for Type 1s.
Dominique: Yeah. Wow. That's just absolutely fascinating when I hear the connection with that. And the other fascinating thing is you and I both have the connection of the Ajna to the Throat. And depending on what the Throat Center is connected to, that'll give you some insight into what you're here to share, what you're here to speak about. And so with that connection, Ajna to the Throat, we are here to speak our minds. And how frightening has that been?
Karrie: So scary!
Dominique: Right? I know I've been terrified of like, what? Yeah.
Karrie: Oh yeah. Especially in like a public way. I mean, it took me ages to make a public Instagram account for my business, and I still have yet to talk to camera or put my face and voice out there together on my Instagram, because I just am like so nervous to do it, and I know I need to do it in order to build [00:18:00] connection and community with the people who follow me. The podcast has been a nice stepping stone, learning how to get my voice out there and feeling more confident in what I have to say, but yeah, that fear is still there, and I do feel like it's a process we will be working through probably for the rest of our lives because there's always higher levels you can go to with all this.
Dominique: Yeah absolutely. And then when we look at what are some ways that we can work through the fear, if this fear is so intense that we can't make that first step, like you shared, Karrie, the podcast was a big one for you. For me, that has been a major avenue for me learning how to share my voice as well. Now, of course, listeners don't have to go to that extent of creating a podcast, but where is possibly a safe space or a safe person that you can start to express something to them that you maybe haven't shared before. Like this truth that is just so deep inside you, and maybe it's like, you know what, I agreed with you on this [00:19:00] thing for the longest time, but I have to say, I really, I actually think this instead. But if there was somebody that you felt comfortable with, you know that you wouldn't be just like completely thrown off course because the judgment would be overwhelming, start small. What is one small thing that you can share that you might have been holding back? Doesn't have to be a huge, big truth, a majorly scary one. But just starting small. How can you share that? How can you let that go? And I think that's a good starting point. What I also did at first is I would record myself on my phone speaking my truth in some way and listening back to it. That gave me a sense of expression as well. So it can even be something like that if you don't want to use an actual person as that receiver.
Karrie: Yeah, that's a great idea to record yourself and just getting used to hearing your own voice, yep speaking your own truth can be a really powerful thing to do. Voice messaging people [00:20:00] instead of texting is another way. I know Dominique, you really prefer voice messaging because it allows you to rehear yourself and what you're saying, even if it's not something as big as speaking your truth, but just like brainstorming ideas in that way. I think also something that has been freeing as we age, I think we naturally sort of go through this process of letting go a little bit of others' expectations and others' opinions of ourselves. I know when we're younger and in our teenage years and even into our twenties, that is everything. What people think of us and what our social group thinks of us is very important. But I mean, I know I sound like the typical older lady, but you do start to let go of a lot of that as you get older, and it does get a little bit easier, I think, to speak your truth. Obviously we still have those same fears of rejection, but we, I think, trust in ourselves a little bit more that we could handle the rejection if it would come about.
Dominique: Yeah. Yeah. And like you said earlier, [00:21:00] too, when you do find yourself speaking your truth and maybe not getting the feedback that you were hoping for, that's not a reflection on you. That's a reflection on the other person's state of either lack or feeling fear in some way. So, I think it's a real good reminder for us that how somebody else chooses to react is never a reflection of ourselves. It's always within the other person. And that goes the same way too. If we find ourselves reacting to what somebody else said, then that's a signal for us to look within and be like, Ooh, what part of me felt hurt by that? Because it's a younger part of me that maybe feels unworthy somehow or wrong somehow. So it's that mirror at the same time. I find myself constantly reminding myself that I can speak my truth, and as long as I know that it's not hurting anything, anyone, and it's coming from a place of love, not from a place [00:22:00] of wanting attention or pushing myself, then I know I did the right thing. After that, it's up to the world or the person or whoever it might be to take what works for them, leave the rest or decide on how they want to respond or react.
Karrie: Another one that I know we've talked about particularly in reference to Projectors, but I think it is important for anyone to remember this, that just cultivating your own interests that maybe have to do with your truth and that maybe feel a little bit scary to share because they're different than anything you've ever done in your life. I know Dominique and I have experienced this ourselves with learning about Human Design and Dominique is studying more about Astrology and these things that maybe are deemed not mainstream, or not accepted by the masses, or seen not as valid or scientific [00:23:00] as other things out there. So we have this conditioning around it. But if we just go towards what brings us excitement and learn and study and enjoy these topics and not judge ourselves for why we have an interest in these topics. People will just start to notice the joy and the excitement you're feeling in your life. People will generally be happy or supportive of that for you because they see that you are living happily, living authentically, living in joy, which is what all of us want to be doing in the long run. So if we just let go of worrying about the judgment and living for what brings us joy, I think that other people will feed off of that rather than judge it.
Dominique: Absolutely. And from all of that, you can look at it as a domino effect. If you're leaning into your truth, into your authenticity, then you're showing others that [00:24:00] they can do the same thing and that their voice matters as well. And from there, that's where we start to really open doors for ourselves and others and really start to spread the message that we're all in the same boat, and we're all here ultimately to create from a place of truth and love.
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
