A&A Ep. 85
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
Karrie: and Karrie, two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self-awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode.
Karrie: Welcome back to The Awakened and Alive After 40 podcast. Today we are talking about something that all of us have had to deal with at one point in our lives, and we will likely continue having to deal with, and that is the idea of conflict. Conflict is something that, as humans, it is an inevitable [00:01:00] part of the journey here on Earth. When talking about conflict, today we're gonna focus a little bit more on outer conflict, so conflict we have with other people in our lives, whether it's a disagreement or a misunderstanding or just living by completely different values. But also, we may touch a little bit on inner conflict, which is something that is very natural for all of us to feel, and that's just feeling conflicted within ourselves. And this can come about when we aren't living true to ourselves. We're not living in true alignment. Maybe we're going against our core values in some way. So we thought it would be really interesting to talk about conflict through the lenses of the Enneagram and Human Design today on this episode. Dominique, what has been your personal relationship with conflict throughout your life?
Dominique: I love that you bring up the difference between the inner conflict and the outer conflict because inner conflict has been [00:02:00] a huge one for me. And like you were saying, sometimes we have this feeling of that inner conflict because we're going against our nature in some way, or we're trying to please others and are not really looking out for our own needs and wants. And that was something that I struggled with greatly, was just feeling that in order to be safe, I needed to make sure everyone else around me was happy . And that led to a lot of inner conflict because it was constantly about the other and denying my own needs and not even knowing my own needs. So a little bit of a battle going on in that inner conflict. We all have that inner critic when we're getting down on ourselves or hard on ourselves about messing up or not doing the right thing or the wrong thing. And I think when we're talking about this, it's just [00:03:00] so important that whether it's inner or outer, that we're trying to look through a lens of compassion and love for ourselves and for others.
Karrie: Another, unplanned moment synchronicity in everything you just said, Dominique. First of all, you probably unknowingly described the Enneagram Type 9 archetype perfectly and their relationship to conflict when you were talking about not even knowing yourself and what you wanted because you only felt safe if everyone around you felt happy and at peace, and that is classic Type 9. And then you brought up the inner critic and how that can create inner conflict. And the inner critic is one of the biggest pieces of my Enneagram type, Enneagram Type 1. So it's so funny that you sort of described both of our main points of conflict in a nutshell.
Dominique: Oh my gosh. Like you said, that synchronicity, because this happened to us just a couple [00:04:00] episodes ago, where you and I don't discuss what we're going to be talking about between the Enneagram and Human Design. We kind of just wait to see what comes out of each other's mouths, and I just love that so much. I love it.
Karrie: Yeah, it is amazing. But speaking of the Enneagram, one of the coolest pieces, in my opinion, of this framework is one of those triadic groupings, so groupings of three groups of three, is called the harmonic triads. Sometimes it's also referred to as the Conflict Reaction Style. And this has to do with how the different types may approach conflict. This can be one of the biggest pieces that can really help us understand our loved ones or co workers or people in our lives who potential conflict could arise, because knowing that not everyone is going to handle conflict the same way that you are is very powerful and very eye opening to allowing for people to show up as their authentic selves and how they may handle conflict. [00:05:00] So just to quickly summarize, the three groups are the Positive Outlook group, sometimes it's also called the Hopeful Outlook group just because the word positivity has gotten sort of a negative spin with the only positive vibes movement and all of that. The three types within this group are Types 2, 7, and 9, so Dominique, this is your grouping. These three types tend to respond to conflict or difficulty through a positive attitude by reframing disappointment in some way, or by sort of ignoring maybe the more negative side of the situation or their own feelings. And between the three types, there is a hierarchy. 7 tends to be the most positive, 2 is somewhere in the middle, 9 is a little less positive than the others, but still more positive than the other six Enneagram types when it comes to navigating conflict. The next group is the Competency group, and this is Types 1, 3, and 5. These three Enneagram types tend to [00:06:00] respond to conflict or difficulty through rational thinking. Let's put our feelings aside and solve problems like adults using logic, data, knowledge. So they really try to take the emotion out of conflict. And then the last group is the Emotional Reactive group, which is Types 4, 6, and 8, and they respond to conflict through reacting emotionally, showing those big emotions. They want others to also have an emotional reaction to what upsets them, which gives them a sense of validation. They tend to have really strong opinions. They really want to share where they stand and hear where other people stand as well. They can show up with a variety of emotions. So Type 8s tend to be really in touch with their anger, so they may just display anger really easily, but not so much sadness or vulnerability. Whereas Type 4s are really in touch with the spectrum of emotions, and they can show up in a variety of ways during conflict. Maybe it is more through sadness or some sort of [00:07:00] anger. It's just really interesting, and it has helped me in my own relationship because I fall in the Competency group. My partner is in the Emotional Reactive group. Funnily enough, my sister's also in the Emotional Reactive group, and she totally gets my partner's sort of overreactions, in my opinion, to things.
Dominique: Right. It's like, it's totally normal.
Karrie: Oh, yeah. And she's just like, oh, yeah, it's like a thunderbolt, and then it's done. And I'm like, but it's ridiculous, like, and totally unnecessary. And she said, no, it's like a release for him. He needs to do that to feel better. She totally gets it, but for me, I do not get it because Type 1s tend to suppress all that and then let's just be logical.
Dominique: Yeah, and that's the beauty in understanding the Enneagram with these groups and then, of course, with Human Design, it just validates how you feel, what you feel, why you feel so strongly or not so strongly. It just helps us to better understand, like that's normal for them. We don't all have to respond or react the same exact way. [00:08:00] Ideally, you want to be responding from a place of connection and making sure that you're not out to hurt anyone's feelings, that you're present through it all and not just reacting because you're feeling triggered. But when we understand this, like I wish I had known about the Enneagram long ago to just have cultivated more acceptance for others and myself. And then as you talk about these triads, it makes me think about in Human Design, the emotional solar plexus, because whether it's undefined or defined, that is going to change how you deal with emotions and conflict and resolution as well. And then the channels that are connected to the emotional solar plexus give another flavoring of the intensity that you might feel, whether it's a strong outburst or if you could just brush it off more easily and just a good cry will help work through it. [00:09:00] For me, as someone who has an undefined emotional solar plexus, this was something that I recognize now was problematic, even though it wasn't, but I wasn't really accessing it properly because I would avoid conflict at all costs. When you have an open emotional solar plexus, this means you are absorbing from others and amplifying it. Oftentimes you'll be at one end of the spectrum or the other where you're overly emotional because you just are taking on so much around you, or you're shut down because you just can't handle it and you disconnect. That was me. I was very much shut down from my own emotions because it felt so overwhelming being around people. I would tiptoe, I would people please, I would go into a fawning response. And within the nervous system, that's where you go into that people pleasing tendency where your nervous system [00:10:00] senses it's not safe to voice your concerns, your wants, your needs. So let's minimize that and just go with the flow, go with what we're feeling this person might need and not rock the boat. So that's something, if you have an undefined emotional solar plexus, that could be really helpful to be aware of, just recognizing is this overwhelm or emotion you're feeling yours, or is it coming from something else? And if you're in the midst of conflict or challenging conversations, being able to recognize when you're getting overwhelmed, because you don't want to say something you don't mean to say in any form when you're having challenging conversation or conflict, you always want to be able to think clearly. But when your nervous system is feeling fired up or triggered that's not always the case. And so I think it's important even we'll talk a little bit about how to handle conflict more [00:11:00] gently, more easefully. That's something where I've recognized if I find myself shutting down in the midst of conflict, I know my nervous system has shut down ,and I need to excuse myself. I'm not going to be open to hearing the other, and that's just because of nervous system response, which we all have. This is something that the more aware we can become then the more easily we can shift out of it. Also your authority in Human Design is another big one. If you have an emotional authority, if you're defined emotionally, then you need time to process. So if you are in a difficult conversation, recognizing that you may not come to a resolution right then and there, and that's okay. But being able to communicate, saying, Hey, I love and appreciate that we're having this conversation, but I would like to just take a little bit more time to process and think on my words that I would like to share. Again, speaking up for [00:12:00] yourself. The more you know about your Enneagram type, the more you know about your Human Design, then the more clearly you can speak your needs and what is aligned and true for you. That alone can create so much more clarity in conversations and navigating conflicts.
Karrie: Hey there, friend. Have you signed up for the Awakend and Alive newsletter yet? If not, we want to invite you to get on the list so you don't miss out on the exciting new offerings we have planned for 2024.
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Karrie: Yeah, it's so fascinating because just the description you gave of yourself just now and with your open emotional solar plexus and how you have [00:13:00] navigated conflict throughout your life and withdrawing and everything you said also just beautifully described your Enneagram type. Like we said, Type 9s are in the Positive Outlook group when it comes to how they handle conflict, but another triadic grouping that they are in, which is called the Stance, or the Hornevian Triad, is the Withdrawn group. Type 9s tend to withdraw back when they are trying to figure stuff out in their life and they withdraw into themselves rather than seeking outside of themselves in order to get their needs met, they really do go inward. And so just hearing you talk gave such a complete picture of your Enneagram Type 9, along with your Human Design, which I know we sound like a broken record in every episode, but we love it when these systems layer over top of each other to really give a unique, clear picture of each individual out there because we are so unique. [00:14:00] We have a ton of similarities as humans, but we are built so differently to do life in different ways, and knowing both of the systems allows us to more clearly see our path or understand the best way to navigate through these more challenging times.
Dominique: Absolutely. The more we can know about ourselves, then the more easily we can move through life. And the more likely we are to do so coming from a place of love and connection and compassion for each other. So now how do we go about actually coming to resolution or managing conflict with greater ease? We've been talking about the more you know about your Enneagram type or your Human Design, just any self awareness tool to greater understand yourself, that is going to be of tremendous help when you're trying to navigate any of these difficulties that might arise. And we're all going to go [00:15:00] through it. So the more awareness we have, the more choice that gives us.
Karrie: Exactly. And not only knowing our own selves, which is the most important thing to get to understand through these modalities, but it can be helpful also to understand other people's in our lives. Even just Dominique and I as friends and co workers, understanding each other's differences with our emotional solar plexus and how that might show up differently has helped us navigate things. Me knowing my partner's conflict style versus my own has really helped me have more understanding for him and how he may react completely differently than I would to a situation. As difficult as it may be, try to take the other person's perspective, at least to see where they're coming from. Our egos really want us to be the ones who are right, especially in times of conflict, because a lot of times we start to dig in and it becomes a matter of pride. But it really can [00:16:00] neutralize the playing field when we understand, okay, there's a completely different perspective than mine, and it's equally as valid.
Dominique: Yeah, absolutely. For those listeners who maybe aren't into the Enneagram or Human Design, this is where we can just simply use active listening, as well, like you mentioned a little bit of that just now, Karrie. We need to learn how to hear each other and to give space for that, because ultimately when that ego is pushing forward, it's because a part of us is desiring to feel seen, heard, connected, loved. If we can take a pause and practice, and this is very difficult to do when you're in the midst of having a difficult conversation. So for myself, I would practice this just with everyday conversations, where I would just actively listen. I would wait for my friend or [00:17:00] whomever it is to complete everything that they were wanting to get out. And then sometimes if I needed clarity, I would ask, so just to clarify what I heard you say is whatever it might be. And this is a good way to just allow ourselves to connect more deeply with the other, so we're not getting the nervous system fired up as well. Cause if we're interrupting or we're just bursting out with words that we didn't put any thought into, that triggers the other person's nervous system as well as our own. When our nervous system is triggered, the part of the brain that is logical and thinking shuts down, and it goes into survival thinking, which is the amygdala. That's the smoke alarm of the nervous system. And so we can't think properly. We're automatically disconnecting from ourselves and from the other. Active listening can be super, super powerful. On top of that, I love using I statements. Do you do that as well, Karrie? Yeah, like [00:18:00] when you're trying to have...
Karrie: It takes blame out of the picture.
Dominique: Yeah, absolutely. So if you're saying I believe or I feel you can't disregard how someone feels or how they believe it's all on them, so it removes, like you said, that blaming that the other could potentially feel especially if you said, you always do or why did you, things like that, where if you simply say, I'm feeling a little hurt because I was whatever it might be. But just keeping it on yourself by using I statements is a really, really powerful tool, and I use that a lot. That helps to keep my nervous system in a regulated state. I've noticed that really is a major tool for me.
Karrie: And one last note to make about if you are feeling more of that inner conflict in your life, a great thing to do is to really examine your [00:19:00] life and try to see where are you living your life through conditioning, rather than living your life according to your own desires, your own true self. So are you living your life according to someone else's outside expectations of you, whether that is your parents, your family, your society, your culture? Or are you living it true to yourself, true to what you know is completely perfect for you on this life journey. A lot of times when those two, if it's not lined up, it can really cause inner conflict, and a lot of times this is where we can see things happening within our body that are unexplainable, whether it's injuries or different autoimmune diseases or things like that, because our body knows. Our body knows we aren't living authentically to our true selves. This can create a whole host of physical ailments because of that inner [00:20:00] conflict. It's just a great idea to every now and then examine your life, examine if you are living purely through your own intentions versus outside intentions or expectations.
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
