A&A Ep. 83
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
Karrie: and Karrie, two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self-awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode.
Karrie: Welcome back to The Awakened and Alive After 40 podcasts. We are talking today about a topic that I think most of us will be able to relate to. I know for me personally, this topic really hits close to home because it has been something I have become much more [00:01:00] aware of in recent years in my life. And that is the idea about judgment, both feeling judged by other people and being the one who's doing the judging. There are two sides of this judgment coin that, as humans, we have all experienced, we've all felt, we've all dealt with. And so we thought it would be really interesting today to talk about the role judgment plays in our lives and how our awareness around it has impacted us.
Dominique: I know you and I, Karrie, have had conversations on our own regarding how we're focusing on trying to be less judgmental or nitpicky or whatever it might be. I know for myself, I, over the years, have tried to become more aware of how would I feel if that was done to me, if someone spoke to me that way or acted toward me in some way. Judgment is one of those things that I [00:02:00] often will remind myself about. We all judge to some extent. This is not a shaming space, so I think this is a great conversation for us to have because it's something that we all do and it's okay. Primarily we're bringing this conversation to the table because we believe it's extremely crucial for us to become more aware of how we might be judging ourselves, others, and how we can work with that. It's a normal human behavior.
Karrie: Right. A lot of the times when we are the ones doing the judging, we might be doing it just to sort of look outside of ourselves, to see where we stand in relation to society, or our peers, or whatever, which is a practice that we tend to do as humans, and one that we try to stop doing as we grow more into ourselves and grow in confidence, but for a lot of people, it is a very natural [00:03:00] subconscious thing that we are doing where we are judging ourselves against a societal standard or norm.
Dominique: When I came to understand the reason behind why, as human beings, we tend to judge or sometimes shut down and not want to hear any other opinions, is because what is unfamiliar to us is unsafe according to our nervous system. When I came to learn that, I was like, oh my god, yeah, that makes sense. Of course, we like familiarity. Of course, we're going to want to belong and move with the pack, and if anything is taking us off course, then it's like this alert to our system. And all because what is unfamiliar is unsafe according to our nervous system because it is simply trying to protect us. And once we can become aware of that and understand why it's so easy for us to fall into judgment, then that removes a lot of the [00:04:00] shame or blame that we can carry. I know for me, that was a huge area all of the shame that I felt for judging certain people or certain situations when I, however, came from a place of compassion for myself that helped me to really see more clearly what it was I had to work on within myself in order to change this behavior.
Karrie: And that's a really interesting point because something that was eye opening for me about this idea is that what we are judging in others is usually something that we're most ashamed of in ourselves. So it's like that shadow piece of ourselves that we avoid looking at and we avoid acknowledging, and so it's a lot easier to judge it on the outside when we see it in others, rather than acknowledging it and processing through it within ourselves.
Dominique: I love that you brought that up [00:05:00] because in my own therapy that I've done one on one, that's something that would often come up. And another thing, when I came to realize that, Oh, wait a minute, the trigger that I'm feeling has nothing to do with the other person. They're acting like a mirror for me to see what I still need to heal within myself. That's something that with Quantum Human Design, there's certain energy types and profiles, like the 5 is one of the profiles that acts like a karmic mirror, where they can be often projected upon, but they are revealing what the other needs to still heal and work on within themselves. And so when I came to understand that, now I can come from, again, a place of curiosity where I can pause and say, Oh, wait a minute. Okay, I'm feeling triggered. I have full responsibility over my beliefs and actions. It is nobody else's [00:06:00] job to fix that. It is nobody else's problem. For me to come to that awareness of I get to decide. That was like freedom for me, so now I embrace it. I look at it and ask myself, why did I want to judge that? Or why did I want to jump in so quickly and counteract that answer or belief? It really, now it's one of my favorite things to recognize about myself because coming from that place of curiosity really changes everything when we're trying to work on these behaviors that aren't serving us any longer.
Karrie: I think it's also important in this conversation to acknowledge the flip side of the judgment coin, and that is when we are the ones who are feeling judged by others or by ourselves, how difficult that can be to navigate. We are really conditioned and taught to change and mold ourselves in order to feel accepted or like Dominique said, to be accepted by the [00:07:00] community because that helps us feel safe, and it helps our nervous system feel regulated. In order to do that, we are taught as very young children to do and act and behave in a way that is acceptable to others. We're basically conditioned to allow others judgments to change who we are at our true essence, which is a form of conditional love, which is something that we are all probably trying to heal from.
Dominique: Before we started recording, Karrie, I brought to your attention just how much I've recently been struggling with feeling judged or possibly being judged. I haven't even actually been judged yet, but the possibility of being judged because of my quirkiness or the shifts that I've been noticing within my connection to the mystical world and specifically astrology and tarot. It's something that I, in speaking to [00:08:00] you about it, came to realize I don't accept it within myself just yet. So that is exactly why I have this fear of being judged. Any other time that I have felt judged in situations, it really was crushing. Of course, like you said, it's a hard thing to really swallow and you feel like an outcast. You feel like, well, what good am I if I can't fit in? But then, again, we come to recognize why we do these things. And from the flip side, it's the person is projecting upon you their own hurts, their own limited beliefs, and that's not a reflection of you. It's a reflection of them. And this took a lot of work for me to really grasp onto. But that flip side again is also, like I mentioned, I don't accept that side of myself fully just yet, and I'm still working on it. And that is okay because there's never a [00:09:00] finish line for growth work. I have really turned the corner with many other things. I know you have as well, Karrie. There's always something that we're working on and judgment is one of those things that actually can hinder the progress that we're seeking.
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Karrie: And for me, one of the things that helped me in my own growth work around judgment is learning more about myself through the lens of the Enneagram. So my type, Type 1, is sort of negatively known as being very [00:10:00] judgmental and they tend to always think they're right. They can be highly critical of themselves and other people. And so learning that about myself, and seeing that very clearly in myself and that that was how I had functioned for many, many years, very unconsciously, then that light was shown upon it and it made me really start to recognize those patterns. I could then decide, do I want to continue doing this? Am I getting anything out of this when I am judging myself and others so harshly, and the answer was no, clearly I was not getting anything. It was bringing a lot of negativity and negative energy into my life. I'm definitely not perfect. I still catch myself doing it, but catching myself doing it has been really powerful. One of the groupings of three that we talk about a lot on the podcast, maybe, in my opinion, could tend to be a little bit more judgmental, but only because this is the group that really tends to look outside of themselves to see and compare how [00:11:00] well am I doing in life. Am I measuring up? And that is the Dependent Stance, or also known as the Compliant Stance, and these are Enneagram Types 1, 2, and 6. These types may be more prone to this idea of judging, and it's not because they are worse people or anything like that. It's just because they have been really conditioned to measure themselves against something outside of themselves, rather than getting their confidence and self worth and confidence that they are on the right path from an inner knowing.
Dominique: Mm, I love them.
Karrie: That's like a big point of growth for these three types is really trusting their own ideas about themselves over the ideas about others or about society or the collective group.
Dominique: Mm, that's fascinating. Now when you talk about the 1, definitely a lot resonates for me as well, and I know we've narrowed down [00:12:00] that I'm a 9, and we haven't talked too much about the wings on the podcast but I know the 9 can have a wing 1 and is that maybe why that one side resonates in some way with me?
Karrie: It could be, yeah, because the wing could sort of sprinkle in some of these 1 tendencies over top of your 9 type, and a big part about the Type 1 is this overly critical, perfectionistic, judgmental way.
Dominique: Yeah, especially knowing how dysregulated my nervous system was growing up, that would make a lot of sense to me, is this more extreme, judgmental side that I had that I remember in my younger years, and that resonates with me just trying to stay safe and not wanting to move into unfamiliar territory and having that response as a [00:13:00] result.
Karrie: That could also be related to your stress path arrow, which is Type 6, which is another one of these Dependent Stances because when Type 9 is under stress, they take on some Type 6 tendencies, and one of those is not feeling a sense of safety or security within themselves and looking outside to others in order to obtain that.
Dominique: I love it all. And of course, we've talked plenty on the podcast about you and I being Projectors in Human Design, and when I came to learn that I was a Projector, and maybe you resonate with this as well, Karrie, it was just almost this permission slip for me to be like, oh, okay. I'm not lazy. I always felt like I was being judged for wanting to sleep more or just not feeling like I had enough energy to just go all day long. And then even recognizing how with Projectors, one of the main wounded areas is within self worth as [00:14:00] well. So learning about my energy type, as one of the main lessons that I've carried with me in Human Design as a student, was this tremendous permission slip for me to back off. Stop judging myself so much, like, it's okay if I can't go all day long and never could since I was a child. So that was something that I really enjoyed tremendously when I learned about it. Does that feel familiar? to you, like when I talk about Projectors and that judging of ourselves?
Karrie: For sure, for sure, because, like you said, we're from the United States, we've lived in this culture of hustle and work and your energy level is really your commodity, and it's what people find valuable about you. And so as people who naturally have a lower starting point of energy and energy that can get depleted really quickly, you [00:15:00] definitely form, as a Projector or any other non energy type, this judgment about yourself. Like, why can't I keep up? Why can't I...
Dominique: Yeah, what's wrong with me?
Karrie: What's wrong with me? I mean, we can be very productive people. Projectors tend to be very productive, but because of our work structure that it's like, well, you need to work eight hours a day. I don't care how productive you are in the four hours that you were, you need to keep working for four more hours, even though maybe we finished what someone else could finish in eight hours. That always has felt so wrong to me. I've always just been like, this idea of working a certain amount of time doesn't make any sense because we don't have the same energy.
Dominique: And it's funny, if you talk to the majority of people who know that they're Projectors, I'm almost 100 percent positive that they will say the exact same. There is no need to be working this amount of hours when they are perfectly capable of completing everything they need to complete in a shorter time. But of course we're always like, oh, got to add more to the plate then, if you're done, [00:16:00] here, do this now. It's a wild thing for sure. Something else that I don't really talk too much about, or I haven't just yet, is also the idea in Human Design of circuitry The circuitry in the chart, kind of think of a circuit board. These are other areas that highlight themes and our gifts and talents. The circuitry that I'm thinking of specifically is the individual and tribal. When it comes to people who maybe seem to feel or live more for themselves versus people who are all about family and community. The individual side can be looked at sometimes as, you're selfish. I've heard this play out so many times in the lives of many of my friends who have a lot of individual circuitry. So it's all about individualism, self expression, following one's own convictions. The gift of this is that you are a role model to other people where [00:17:00] other people are seeing what you're doing. what you're doing with your life, whether you're accomplishing things to better the community or better the world as a whole, in general, or just working on yourself because by improving yourself, you are creating a domino effect. They can be very purpose driven, so sometimes people with a lot of individual circuitry can be viewed as full of themselves or self centered or selfish, when in reality that is 100 percent not the case. Their purpose is different than somebody who has tribal. And the tribal circuitry is all about service to others, bonding and connection, sharing and community. There's a lot of differences in our charts besides what we often talk about here, profile, the energy type and strategy and authority. And that's something that I think is really important to recognize is just because somebody else doesn't have a family and focuses a lot on [00:18:00] themselves or vice versa, doesn't mean they're doing it wrong, or that they deserve any kind of judgment. Their role is different from yours and everyone else's. We all have our own role that we're here to play.
Karrie: We also wanted to briefly just touch on some ideas around how to let go of some of these fears of being judged or how to let go of this tendency to judge other people. The first thing we wanted to say is something we talk about a lot on our podcast because we truly believe in it, and that is cultivating a true sense of compassion for yourself and for others. So recognizing people can be going through things we don't have any idea about. Just that alone has really helped me have different perspectives on different people. If you see a stranger out in public doing something or behaving in a way that triggers you to start judging, just having that compassion that they could be dealing with something horrific in their life, [00:19:00] something traumatic, and we just don't understand their whole story, and so it's really not our place to judge them.
Dominique: Mm hmm. Yeah. I love that. And if you're thinking like, okay, so how do I start to cultivate that compassion? How do I even start the process of becoming more aware of this? Something that was really helpful for me and that I continue to practice is first identifying the things that I often find or hear myself judging and making a small list of it. And this is just out of curiosity, like not going crazy, like shaming yourself because of it. But make a little list of the things that you recall being commonalities that pop up during the day or whenever. As you make this list, you bring yourself to that awareness of these areas. So then you can start to pay attention to that during the day and see how that links up. Of course, you have to first know what it is that you tend to judge or feel [00:20:00] triggered by. And then that awareness is going to allow you to pay attention to it, and once you have your attention on it, then you can start making changes. And it's habitual, like from the age of zero to seven, we're being programmed with other people's thoughts, beliefs, dreams, desires, and we just end up going on autopilot. So you have to bring these things to your awareness, and it's all about putting a scratch in the record, if you will, so you can create a new program, a new way of doing things. And it starts first by becoming aware of what are those triggers? What are those things that commonly come up for you when you're finding yourself in a place of judgment?
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you [00:21:00] can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
