A&A Ep. 79
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
Karrie: and Karrie, two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode.
Karrie: Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Awakened and Alive After 40 podcast. Dominique and I are very excited to have you listening to this episode today, because we truly feel like this episode is one that we can all benefit from hearing or reminding ourselves because it is [00:01:00] something that as humans, I'm sure most of us have done at one point in our lives. What I'm talking about specifically is when we tend to make assumptions about other people and we assume we know what they're thinking or we assume we know their opinion and that leads to all kinds of chaos and misunderstanding and disconnect. So Dominique, have you ever in your life had someone make an assumption about you that was incorrect, or possibly you made an assumption about another person that turned out to create disconnect or dis-ease in your life?
Dominique: Never. I have no idea what you are talking about. Oh goodness, do we have enough time to talk about this? Cause yes. This is something that I still catch myself with on a regular basis, but it's also something that I really enjoy catching because I know how important it [00:02:00] is to not make assumptions and judgment towards others. It's something that is incredibly common. We all do it. When I think about why this is really a problem and why today we're bringing this up is because of, like you mentioned, the disconnect that it creates between individuals and the misunderstanding. But again, we're bringing this topic up because it's something that's very natural for every one of us to do, and ultimately it comes down to trying to make sense when we don't know the answer to something. That's very much a part of the human brain and all of the chaos that it can often hold.
Karrie: Right, because our brain is basically hardwired to look for patterns. and fill in missing pieces in order to make sense of our surroundings and our world. And for a lot of us, that includes [00:03:00] people in our lives. So our brain just wants to find the most efficient way possible to complete the story so that we have the full picture. And a lot of times that translates for us in modern society as making assumptions rather than taking the extra time to clarify or sit down with the person and ask them specifically what is going on with them or what they're thinking, because we are just go, go, go, and our brains want to just get this done efficiently.
Dominique: Yeah, it's a way of preserving energy when our brains really just reflect on past experiences and patterns to come to the arrival of the answers that we feel we have, which is all false, really, but it's a way of preserving energy. When we draw on these past experiences to make sense of present situations, then we get this sense of comfort, this sense of knowing that, like I [00:04:00] mentioned, is really false and not true. However, the brain is a meaning-making machine, and it's going to find comfort in any type of conclusion that it comes to, and ultimately that's what we're doing. It's something that I've mentioned in past episodes is kind of putting a scratch in the record. When we're wanting to interrupt patterns, because we all have patterns and this is a human behavior, jumping to conclusions. If we can recognize that this is a very normal thing that isn't necessarily serving us, then we can start to put a scratch in the record and make the corrections that are necessary in order for us to have the best relationships possible with others.
Karrie: Another pattern that a lot of us fall into is that we want to feel like we know our people and our loved ones really well. So, we make these assumptions that they're always going to have the same opinions, the same likes [00:05:00] and dislikes, reactions, preferences to things. And change is scary, especially when a loved one in our life changes. That can be really jolting for us. We assume we're going along and everyone's functioning in the same way, and if we don't check in and clarify with people, we could really miss some changes and evolution that our loved ones may be going through.
Dominique: Mm hmm. Yeah, you just said it right there, the evolution. We're dynamic. We're constantly growing and evolving, being dynamic beings. So for us to assume that someone is going to have the same belief year after year after year or the same like or dislike is really of no service to anyone. Like you mentioned, those check ins, having conversation, bringing conversation to the table, like you're getting to know someone for the first time again, even if it's a family member. My [00:06:00] mom and I had a great conversation today that I really appreciated. it's something where in the past I might've assumed the way she felt about things, but through this conversation we had, it really was enlightening and it brought me to this point of having a little bit more respect and gratitude. It was a really beautiful thing that I came to be aware of just in this conversation today. When we're looking at the process of making assumptions through the Enneagram lens and Human Design lens, how can we offer some input from these systems? And Karrie, I'd love for you to just share a little bit when it comes to the Enneagram.
Karrie: Well, it's interesting. I just sat with this idea and thought about the nine Enneagram types, and possibly, in my opinion, from my perspective, two of the types that might struggle with this a little bit more than the other types, and it's no surprise that [00:07:00] these two types are also two types that can struggle with anxiety more because when we make assumptions about people or presuppose what someone else is thinking or what they're going to do, we create anxiety and tension within ourselves. So we either have anxiety and tension before the other person's action takes place because we're creating this untrue story in our heads of what possibly could happen. Or we allow the anxiety and tension to come in after the action takes place because we had already created unrealistic expectations that weren't met based on past or previous assumptions. The two Enneagram types that may struggle specifically with these two types of anxiety and making assumptions in this way are Types 1 and 2. People who lead with Enneagram Type 1 tend to think they know the best way and that they are right and their way of thinking is right. And so [00:08:00] they can project that onto other people thinking they know what's best and right for other people. They proceed through life assuming they know what's right for everyone. So this in and of itself is an assumption. But then with their loved ones, it's hard for Type 1 people to accept when their loved ones do what the Type 1 sees as being wrong, quote unquote, or not the best choice. This can lead to a lot of disconnection and inner turmoil for people who lead with Type 1. Type 2, on the other hand, they tend to be really overbearing with their loved ones of thinking they know what's best for them because they want to be the person providing that. They want to be giving them the support and the service that they need. They try to anticipate what people need before they even ask for it, and sometimes this can even be seen as a form of manipulation by the other person. [00:09:00] So just making that assumption that they always are knowing what people need in the moment, rather than checking in and asking, can be a trap for people who lead with Enneagram Type 2.
Dominique: That's fascinating. And when we're talking about the Enneagram types, this is based off of the ego, the conditioning. As you were talking about the 1 and the 2, it also makes me think about codependency and how the nervous system. response is with the experiences that we have in our lives. Of course, when we talk about these systems, it doesn't give us all the answers. We can't give answers toward individual life experience and how someone's particular nervous system response is going to be as well. And it sounds like, when you were talking about the 2, I was thinking hypervigilance in a way, as well as the codependency. In a way you're looking for that certainty, that sense of I [00:10:00] know best in order to create some calm within your body as well. So it was just interesting as you were talking about that, and I was putting it together as far as nervous system response too. With the Human Design side of it, we can look at one of the energy centers, and the one specifically that I'm bringing up is the Ajna, which is an awareness center and is mental awareness. It's a center where we process information. We also form opinions and beliefs and ideas in this center. The shadow side, the low expression of it, and this could be if it's defined or undefined. If you're not sure if you have a defined or undefined Ajna and you want to grab your chart, see the link in the show notes so you can get ahold of your free chart and then you can check it out. It's going to be the second center from the top. If it is [00:11:00] defined, it's colored in, if it's undefined, it's open, but either one can have this need for certainty. This could be the low expression, the shadow side of it. So constantly seeking answers in certainty. Now, the fear that can come with this as well, most often we talk about the fear being more linked to someone who has an undefined Ajna is the fear of the unknown. We all experience it, but it can be magnified by the undefined Ajna center, because when you have a center that is undefined, you are absorbing and amplifying that energy from outside yourself. With individuals that have this openness, they can sometimes tend to struggle with beliefs and opinions. One way might be they, make assumptions to sound like or feel like they know what they're talking about or understanding things. You and I, [00:12:00] Karrie, have defined Ajnas. The trick with the defined Ajna is we can be very stuck in our way of thinking and the beliefs and opinions that we hold. So we can sometimes have more of a closed mindset, whereas undefined, the wisdom, the gift of an undefined Ajna is being open minded. There's so many thought leaders that have open Ajna's like Carl Jung is one of them, and that's just because you can see all the possibilities and you're open to all of it. With a defined, there might be a little bit more of that thought process where it could be, I know what's best. You're not going to change my mind because it is already made up. But it's all about, you get to choose, whether it's open or closed, defined, undefined, you get to choose how you want to express that energy. But the Ajna center is a really fascinating awareness center, really linked with mental awareness.
Karrie: I've always been really interested in the [00:13:00] Ajna center, so I love hearing you talk more about it. That's really, really interesting that people with defined Ajnas might have a little bit more difficulty with open mindedness. I have definitely struggled in my life. I'm an Enneagram Type 1. I have a defined Ajna. I can get really stuck in one track thinking, black and white thinking. So these are types of things I have cultivated in my own growth work to try to become aware of and realize that I do have the control over this. I may have fallen into a pattern of it, but it doesn't mean I have to stay there, and I can choose to be more open minded and open to new ideas and people evolving. That's one of the things we wanted to point out as a way to stop making assumptions about loved ones in our life is to acknowledge that you, as well as your loved ones, are constantly changing and evolving. Like Dominique [00:14:00] said, every day we wake up we are different. There are shifts, there are energetic shifts, there are events in our lives that change how we view something or change our feelings about something and we need to always take responsibility for communicating this to our loved ones when appropriate and checking in with our loved ones to see if you're still on the same page about something or if there's been a shift for one of you.
Dominique: I love that you bring this up because every morning you wake up, you get to choose. You get to choose how you want to go through your day, how you want to interact with others. If one day maybe it didn't go well because you found yourself making lots of assumptions, guess what? You got the next day where you can try something a little bit different. That's something I've found has been really helpful for me as I've tried to grow as a human and create these changes and shifts that take time and are really hard to do. Instead of beating myself up, I just say, okay, I'll [00:15:00] try something different tomorrow, and see how that goes. It's really the process of choosing what it is that you want to tackle each day.
Karrie: And it can be really eye opening when you do start to become a little bit more self aware during those times when you are making assumptions about someone. It's really interesting to notice, wow, I just assumed something without actually checking in and making sure this is what this person wants, or this is this person's opinion on whatever. Just noticing when it happens is huge, a huge step. When you do notice it, just acknowledge that you made the assumption and it might not be true. It might be true, but it might not be true. So you need to allow space for whoever you made the assumption about to be, to act, to do without your input or your reaction ahead of time.
Dominique: One of the ways that I think about it for myself, I reflected back [00:16:00] a few times when somebody cut me off when I was driving. I was like, Oh my God, what a jerk. How rude. I can't believe they're so inconsiderate. When I would catch myself, I'd be like, wait a minute. There is the chance that they are rushing to the hospital because of something horrible. For me to assume that this person is just genuinely inconsiderate and rude, that was something where I was like, there's a possibility that is absolutely not true with this assumption that I made. So I like that you bring up questioning is this true and looking at the possibility, because it's there no matter what, the possibility that it is not true because you never know what is going on in someone else's thoughts. So it's an area where I love that you bring this up, especially as we're looking at what are some ways that we can stop making assumptions? We've talked about it before, asking that question, is it true? If not, then allowing ourselves to be okay with it. But I [00:17:00] also think that the acknowledgement is the first step when we're trying to correct these behaviors or patterns that we might have with making assumptions. Just listening to that voice in our heads. Like for me, Oh my God, this person's so rude and inconsiderate on the street. So listening to that voice and pausing. Maybe questioning whether it's true or not and get curious about it instead. Get curious about what else could be the reason for it. Like I mentioned, running to the hospital, or if you haven't heard from a friend, instead of saying, Oh my God, they hate me. They're mad at me. What else could be the reason for them not reaching out? Because that's not the only potential reason. And it's getting curious. So hearing that voice, pause, and then get curious about it.
Karrie: Hey there, friend. Have you signed up for the Awakened and Alive newsletter yet? If not, we want to invite you to get on the list so you don't miss out on the exciting new offerings we have planned for 2024.[00:18:00]
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Karrie: It's like that saying that people post a lot on Instagram. It's a great reminder to all of us that everyone you meet is fighting a battle you don't know about, so just be kind, treat people with grace, and don't make assumptions. Don't assume that everything is going well for that person that day. Like Dominique said, with driving, if someone does something really aggressive or horrible, there could be a valid good reason for that. There might not be as well.
Dominique: Right.
Karrie: Both situations are out of your control. But assuming the worst creates that tension, creates inner turmoil.
Dominique: Yes, absolutely. And another thing that I love to do when we look at ways that we can put a scratch in [00:19:00] the record when it comes to assuming is to, especially in conversation, I like to call it getting on someone's map, entering into their world because we all see the world very differently. Our meanings, our beliefs are very different. So if we can get on someone else's map, then we can start to ask questions about what we don't know. This creates clarity and it strengthens relationships. So one of the ways that I like to do this, and I do this with coaching clients in order to get on their map, is if they say they feel a certain way asking, what exactly do you mean by that? What exactly does that look like? So asking questions about what that feels or looks like to them. How exactly did this make them feel? If these things are kind of vague and you want more details. So I [00:20:00] think really understanding we all experience the world differently and understanding that we could ask a question if we don't know something. That's going to give us a lot of clarity. It's also going to bring the other person to a place of feeling heard and seen and connected with you. So overall, it's just a powerful practice of just simply asking if you don't know.
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
