A&A Ep. 71
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
Karrie: and Karrie. Two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self-awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode.
Karrie: Welcome back to the Awakened and Alive After 40 podcast. We are so excited that you decided to listen to this episode today because I think most of us out there have complained about one thing or another in our lives at some point because the world [00:01:00] is kind of messed up in some ways, and there are a lot of things that we can complain about. So, Dominique and I thought it would be really cathartic and fun and interesting to talk a little bit about our own pet peeves and things we have complained about, whether in the past or currently. But to also explore a little bit deeper, what hidden messages are these pet peeves giving to us? How can we grow and become aware of our thought patterns by starting to observe the things that just drive us up the wall? So Dominique, I'm interested, when you hear the word pet peeve, what does it mean to you in general? How would you define it?
Dominique: My definition is more of like a feeling where I'm just like, oh my god, come on, not again. Or like, you should know better or something along the lines of just feeling annoyance and [00:02:00] just being in shock, like how can somebody behave that way? It's one of those things where, like you were saying, that this is a good thing to look at because I certainly try to catch myself when I'm complaining about things, and it's so easy for us to complain about things. There's camaraderie, you feel like you can really relate to people when there's bad stuff going on, especially because our world really loves to talk about all the bad stuff. And it really revs the nervous system up. It gets our blood boiling. So it's addictive in many ways. So for us to be a little bit more aware of why are we feeling a certain way about our pet peeves, I think is a really fun twist on just being someone who gets annoyed by silly things or big things. I've definitely got big and small things, but it's just a fun thing to kind of look at and try to figure out [00:03:00] what can I learn from these triggers, in a way, that I'm experiencing. So when you think about pet peeves, what comes up for you? Is it a feeling? Is it a definition?
Karrie: For me, the term pet peeve is kind of cutesy, so it makes me think of those mildly annoying things that grate on me. It's not like the big. systemic, national, or global problems, obviously. So for me, it's just more of those little things that inwardly make me feel frustrated or I just want to vent about to a friend or my sister. So for me, it's definitely like you said, smaller things that just grate on me. That like you said, why would someone do that?
Dominique: Like, what is wrong with them?
Karrie: Yeah. And it's usually
Dominique: What's going on in their mind?
Karrie: It is usually things other people do. That's the majority of my pet peeves.
Dominique: Yeah, and one thing that I was looking at too, when I was writing out [00:04:00] my pet peeves, I was like, what is the theme around this? And for me it was disrespect. A lot of the things that really grate on me are when people are being disrespectful towards me or others in certain ways. So this is going to be a fun thing to share our pet peeves here. So yes, they're the smaller things that just really get under your skin. But in my world, definitely, big things are something that I'm often commenting on and I'll share some of the bigger things as well because I feel like it does overflow. Those smaller pet peeves do often overflow into the bigger problems because it follows like our value system in a way too. Like I feel very strongly about respecting people, so that's something that I see overflow into the bigger pet peeves, I guess we'll say for myself.
Karrie: I'm super excited to hear some of your pet peeves, Dominique, because this is something that we haven't [00:05:00] directly talked about in our own personal conversations with each other, but I think when you are talking with a trusted friend or loved one, I think this is a really interesting topic to bring up with other people because it lends a lot of insight into the person and allows you to sort of see maybe where their values lie because it's easy to see what people value when you see what annoys them.
Dominique: It's an interesting way to really get to know someone at a deeper level without having to go too deep. Okay. Are you ready? I'm going to share a couple.
Karrie: Yes, I can't wait.
Dominique: I'm already getting like, oh my gosh. So a few of my smaller pet peeves we'll start with, okay, smallest one, the toilet paper roll. It does not go upside down.
Karrie: Oh, like when you're loading it?
Dominique: Yes. When someone puts the toilet paper roll on and it's coming out from the bottom instead of over the top, you know what I mean?
Karrie: Oh yeah. I have a hilarious anecdote to this because I'm a very fastidious person. I have been my whole life. [00:06:00] My sister, a little less so. But growing up and into our teenage years, we shared a bathroom and she was like, stop putting the toilet paper roll on wrong to me. And I was like, what do you mean there's a right way to do it? And of course, as an Enneagram Type 1, I need to know the right way of everything. And she's like, yes, it's over the top, not under. And ever since she told me that, I am super fastidious about putting it on the right way, because that became like a rule in my head that that's the right way to do it. But I was completely oblivious to the two different ways to do it until she pointed it out to me.
Dominique: And of course there's no right or wrong way, but I will say okay, we might be getting a little bit TMI here, but I'm not going to go too deep into it. Like when you tear the paper off when it's under, it just keeps rolling and rolling and rolling, like it unravels so much easier than when you tear the paper off and it's coming over the top. That's something that I've just noticed.
Karrie: There is a right [00:07:00] way, Dominique, because I recently just saw that someone posted the original patent for a toilet paper roll and the way it's diagrammed is to hang the correct way in the original patent.
Dominique: Wonderful. I feel better. I feel better then. Okay. Yep. So that's one of my smaller ones. Also another smaller one is when someone uses a sink, whether it's in the public bathroom or at home and they make a mess and they splash everywhere and they don't dry it up. Because then, it happens to me a lot in public bathrooms, when I am going to use the sink and I have a loose shirt on and it just lightly grazes up against the sink and then it gets soaked because somebody made an absolute mess and didn't bother to wipe it dry.
Karrie: Disrespectful.
Dominique: Oh my gosh, yeah, that gets under my skin. Okay, what are a couple of your smaller pet peeves?
Karrie: A couple of my light ones, or under this theme of respect, bad driving etiquette, when people don't use their turn signals, when people just cut people off, or [00:08:00] tailgate. Just be a respectful, kind driver. You don't know who the other driver is. It could be a brand new driver. It could be someone who's just a nervous driver, or has anxiety around driving, and so maybe they drive a little slower than you're liking. . It just drives me nuts when people are so disrespectful when they drive, and that usually equates to aggressive driving. I mean, sometimes I think there are times when you have to be a little aggressive and you're driving to be more safe. Like on the freeway you can't hesitate too much and drive super slow. But, yeah, bad driving etiquette really grates on me. Then another one, which is a little controversial because a lot of people I know do this. But when people are talking about a sports team that they follow and they root for, and they use the pronouns we and us, like they're on the team.
Dominique: Like they're on the team.
Karrie: It drives me crazy! We won, or our defense played great today, like...
Dominique: Right. Oh man. Okay. I live in New England. So, [00:09:00] yeah, I hear that a lot about the sports teams, specifically football. And I don't follow football. I'm not a sports person, but I think it's very comical when I do hear people say that, yeah.
Karrie: Yeah. Like, we need to play better. You're not even there. How can you play better?
Dominique: Exactly. But like, we were saying, it's interesting, these smaller ones, what is it about our smaller pet peeves that really get under our skin? And yours, your first one, and mine as well, it was just being respectful, those smaller actions to show greater respect towards others. One of my other major pet peeves, because I am a dog owner, and I have been most of my life, people who do not pick up after their dogs. That's probably one of my number one because it just, it ruins every, if you step in it, then you're bringing it into your car, into your house. If your children are walking on the floor and you get it on the floor of the home and not realize... like it just [00:10:00] causes so much chaos, and it is something that I'm like, I wouldn't want to step in mess, so I don't want anybody else to have to step in mess. I'm gonna pick up after myself. But I am shocked how many people just don't give another thought to it. And they're like, meh, it'll just stay there. Or they think they're too good to pick up after their... I've had a friend say that. It's like, oh no, I'm not picking up after my dog. Like, no, I'm not putting that in my hands. But are you too good for it?
Karrie: You own a dog. That's part of it.
Dominique: I know. I'm like, what? Why? I don't get it.
Karrie: That goes along with my number one pet peeve, and this might be more than a pet peeve, is when people act entitled, like the rules that we all follow don't apply to them. Like owning a dog, one of the rules is you have to pick up their waste. You don't get to bypass that because you are different than any other dog owner.
Dominique: I absolutely agree with [00:11:00] that. So looking at these smaller ones and if we examine some of the bigger ones and these definitely, I would say these bigger pet peeves can really help us identify what is it that's getting under our skin and why? For example, one thing that I would often talk about with clients is looking at where your complaints are. So the things you often complain about will most times show us where we are lacking within our boundaries, within respecting ourselves, within taking accountability for ourselves, and also in ways where our unmet needs are. So oftentimes when we're complaining about something, like for example, a friend who just won't stop texting me, and I have made some comments like, oh, I'm busy right now, I'll get back to you. More like vague instead of [00:12:00] saying strictly like, hey, I love that you're reaching out to me, however, on these days or during these times, I really need to focus on my business. Boundaries. It's up to me to create those boundaries. So if I'm complaining about someone stepping over my boundaries, that's on me. It's not about the other person. So when we look at these complaints and these bigger pet peeves, it's like, what role might you be playing in this? One of my big pet peeves is around when people complain about something that they don't like or that they might be struggling with, and this is like more of a little something, it doesn't have to be big. But yet they don't want to take accountability to change it because they don't see their role in this. A reason why this is a big problem for me is because I was once that person. And knowing that about myself, and knowing that, this person can change what they're experiencing, [00:13:00] gets under my skin because I just want people to be happy. I want them to find the joy that they deserve. And when someone is seeking more of the complaining mode, because it gets the attention that they desire, that gets under my skin because I have been that person. And one of my goals is to not become that person again, to always take accountability for what I'm experiencing in my life.
Karrie: That's so interesting because when I was thinking about one of my bigger ones, I have the exact same experience, which I think this is why this is such a valuable exercise for people to do. And really be honest with yourself because one of my pet peeves now is, it's sort of a trendy phrase I've seen online quite a bit recently when people yuck someone else's yum. So meaning, like, in really colloquial terms, using American slang, when people shit all over [00:14:00] someone else's parade. So when someone is enthusiastic about something or loving something, whether it's a small little trinket or mundane thing or an activity, and someone, whether in real life or online, just says something negative about it or just diminishes it or makes it seem like well, I don't like that thing so why would you like that thing? It drives me nuts. And I think the reason is is because I don't think I was ever a mean person, like saying rude comments back to people, but I was very judgmental. And I very much was sort of in this stuck way of thinking that everyone thought how I thought. So seeing someone doing something outside of the box from my box, before I did any type of work on myself, I would be very judgmental about it. And that's essentially what is happening when people are negative about someone else's enthusiasm.
Dominique: Yeah, absolutely.
Karrie: And that idea where people have to like one up others, I see this so [00:15:00] often with stupid stuff like weather. Like, people who live in the south of the United States will comment in the winter that they got snow and it's in the twenties and inevitably someone who lives in the north is like, well, it's zero degrees here and we have double that snow. Who cares? Your experience of winter is different than someone who lives in the south. Why do you have to make them feel like their experience is less valid than yours.
Dominique: And our society is so stuck in competition and the one upping and it's like, I'm going to be the better, I'm going to be number one. And, I mean, a lot of the times this is what we do with young kids when they're competing too, in different sports or whatever it might be. It really is that one upping that ends up being very hurtful to a lot of people.
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Karrie: In And the thing is with at least Americans, I've noticed in general, we like to one up in misery or in negativity. It's not even like, I'm better. It's like, I'm more miserable because my weather is colder than yours. I am more miserable because I'm working more hours than you.
Dominique: Yeah. And when I think about that, because it's something that I, again, often look at because I've been in that place in my own mindset before, it's almost like you want to validate your discomfort because it means that there's, in a way, nothing wrong with you then. It's like, okay yeah, this is happening instead of taking the responsibility, which then turns it into you actually having to do some [00:17:00] work to not be that way anymore. And it can make people feel like that they're wrong or in ways have some judgment. And this is how the subconscious mind works. It likes familiarity, and so if you grew up in a house that was very pessimistic, and you heard that kind of talk around your family, it's more likely that you're going to be speaking that way and have that mindset as well. And when we try to change it, you don't feel like you fit in. It doesn't feel right because the subconscious mind is like, wait a minute no, this is not what we've lived most of our lives. So it tries to prove us right by continually going to that negative talk. And we are hardwired for more focus on all the negative with in our lives because of our biology, it's something that is hardwired within every one of us, so it takes work. It takes a lot of work to fight that mindset and to focus more on [00:18:00] what are the good things happening and to also build that awareness of, hey, this isn't what I really want. Like I was saying, somebody who's complaining about something, they don't want to really complain, but they just sometimes don't know what else to do, or it's painful, it's difficult to face reality and to actually have to do the work. Like I said, I was definitely there before. And when you were talking about your one upping and being in that space back in the past, I remember being in that mindset space myself, especially on Instagram. When I was following coaches, and I saw them traveling the world and sharing their pictures of what it is to love life and to follow your purpose and passion. And I saw it as, look at this person just showing off. The bitterness that came about me. And I was like, why, why do I feel like they're showing off and that they're fake? I mean, honestly, there is a lot of [00:19:00] fakeness out there. We're just seeing the tip of the iceberg with pictures on social media. But what was it? And I came to the realization it was freedom. I wanted that freedom, I wanted that flexibility in my schedule. I wanted to find my passion, my purpose, and those are all my core values. So when I came to realize that, I was like, I need to stop it with this person. I need to fix it myself within myself. And that was a huge aha moment for me.
Karrie: It's interesting you brought up bitterness because within Human Design, we have some special little feelings that each of our energy types can give us important messages, right Dominique?
Dominique: For sure. And when it comes to the emotional theme in Human Design and Quantum Human Design, and the emotional theme is kind of our guide to alert us when we are living out of alignment and for Projectors [00:20:00] or Orchestrators in quantum language, bitterness is that sign. And it's not an emotion per se, but it is a feeling that comes up for you and that bitterness can kind of be that alarm to let you know something's triggering you, or you're not following your truth, or you're saying yes when you want to say no, let's take a look at what is happening. Each type has a theme. Like I mentioned, for the Orchestrator, it is bitterness. When it comes to the Manifester, also known as the Initiator, it's anger. The Manifesting Generator, or Time Bender in Quantum, is anger and/or frustration. The Reflector or Calibrator is disappointment. And the Generator, also known as the Alchemist in quantum language is frustration. And so when you're feeling [00:21:00] bitterness, frustration, anger, disappointment, whatever that connection might be to your energy type, that's your cue to pull inward, look at what is happening within your emotional state within your world, and take a pause and examine what's coming up for you. And that's something that I absolutely love knowing about when it comes to our types and what has helped me build greater awareness for why certain things come up for me.
Karrie: It's so interesting. I've really tried to tune into feeling bitter because like you, I would see these people on Instagram living these fabulous lives and I would have this feeling of bitterness, like, why them, not me? Why don't I have this life? And then, pausing, really looking inside, well, I have complete control over my life. I have control over where my life is going. So create that life. Do the steps you need to do to create a sense of freedom. Like you, Dominique, freedom [00:22:00] is top value for me. I want flexibility and freedom in all areas of my life. I'm not fully there, but I'm much more there than I ever was before. And step by step, we are both still really trying to build that into our lives.
Dominique: Yeah, absolutely. And I feel like we're always going to be catching ourselves thinking certain ways or feeling certain ways when it comes to what we're talking about right now, these pet peeves. But I think the important part, like you mentioned, is just building that awareness muscle because then you can stop yourself right there in the moment and choose which way you want to go with it, how you want to respond, not just react and let it snowball out of control. Now, when it comes to the Enneagram, are there any specific Enneagram types that might struggle more with pet peeves or respond differently?
Karrie: Of course, like we say every week, every Enneagram type is going to have pet peeves and annoyances because it's a human thing. [00:23:00] But there is a triadic grouping of three types that are called the frustration types, and they tend to have really high expectations about things and feel a great sense of frustration a lot of the time because those expectations aren't met. And this can come out with pet peeve type things too. So these three types might feel grated on a little bit more often because they have an expectation that people don't do these things, or that this just isn't the way the world works. The three types I'm talking about are Type 1, Type 4, and Type 7. So Type 1s tend to idealize what could be, but good is never good enough for them. They want perfect. So if something's good, they're still going to feel frustration about it. Type 4s idealize themselves, their relationships, their dreams, but they always feel like something's missing because it's just never enough for them. And then Type 7s tend to [00:24:00] idealize all the future possibilities and opportunities, but their present reality is never as satisfying as their imaginations. So they have this sense of frustration about what they could be doing that they're not doing right now because they're thinking about the future and dreaming and fantasizing about how it could be in the future. So it's really interesting, this is one of the aspects of my own type, being a Type 1 that I greatly identified with and really hit home for me and made me really open my eyes to how I have done this my whole life.
Dominique: Yeah, wow. That's fascinating and it's hard to look at those parts of ourselves and be like, oof, yeah, I'm probably not doing this the best way I possibly could, or I'm not treating people the way they really deserve. It's hard to really look at that within ourselves, but it's obviously a crucial step to treating others with greater [00:25:00] kindness and compassion and treating ourselves with more kindness and compassion. Coming to the understanding that we are naturally hardwired to be in this negative space, but it doesn't mean we have to stay there. We get to then choose our direction and without that awareness, then we can get stuck in that. And that's why for me really going back and identifying all of those uncomfortable real truths within myself, I was like you know what, I want to identify it because I want to be a good person. I want to make a difference. I want to treat others properly. So that includes looking at our wounding, looking at our insecurities and getting face to face with them and healing that within ourselves because when we're feeling triggered by other people, it's not because of the other person. It is within [00:26:00] ourselves. So when it comes to pet peeves, that's just like a little stop along the way. It can start little like that to build that awareness muscle and be like, why does this bother me so much? And you don't have to go head first into these bigger wounds that we're often talking about here just for that greater awareness of human behavior and why we do the things we do. But it can start off by just looking at these pet peeves that come up for you. Maybe some of what we shared resonated with you out there, and it's all about not judging it, getting curious, that is crucial. Get curious about your pet peeves or the things that you feel really trigger you on a consistent basis. Journal about it if you feel that's helpful or just simply take a pause to consider how could you maybe feel differently, better about it, more positive, and what maybe needs to shift for you. What in your own life do you maybe need [00:27:00] to start prioritizing so this feeling that comes up for you isn't taking over?
Karrie: And I think when we examine the things that annoy us or cause us to feel frustrated, it's usually something in ourselves, like you said, but something that we're avoiding. Something that we have buried in ourselves, that we probably judge in ourselves, that we dislike or carry shame around, and so it can be quite difficult to look at it within yourself and to even recognize it, but even if you have just a little suspicion around a pet peeve of yours that it could lead to discovering something new about yourself or discovering something you've hidden from yourself, it's worth that deeper look because it can free you from that once you realize it and expose it to yourself.
Dominique: For sure. One of my pet peeves helped me build greater boundaries, [00:28:00] trusting myself to build boundaries. And that came from me looking at something that I would commonly complain about or get irritated about. And it wasn't until I really paused and it's like, this has been coming up a lot. What is this? And it was all around my fear of setting boundaries. So I got to then work on that within myself. And now this isn't something that bothers me. It doesn't continually come up and grate at me. And I think that can be a really beautiful thing for us to look at these things, realize that we're not doing it to judge or blame ourselves. This is just another way to love yourself and others more greatly.
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future [00:29:00] episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
