A&A Ep. 70
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
Karrie: and Karrie, two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self-awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode. Hey friends and welcome back to the show. Thank you so much for clicking play if this is your first time here, great big welcome. Thank you for joining us today. And today's going to be conversation all about why we get stuck in life and why it can be so hard to move [00:01:00] forward at times, even times where we maybe aren't necessarily feeling low or lacking clarity, but even times where we know what we want and we have a goal in mind, but it's just a struggle to take action on it. And a lot of this came to mind mostly because I've been in a place of stuckness for a long time. And I've chatted with Karrie about it many different times, lots of different friends, and I just think it's really great conversation to have because every single one of us is going to experience this. And I think it's important to understand that it's so natural. For myself, I really was getting sucked into the blaming, the shaming, the judging. I know better, I have all the tools to help me get unstuck. Why can't I do this? But no matter what, it very much is a challenge that many of us face. And so I think that it would be [00:02:00] really great just to share a little bit of our own experiences and then also some practical ways to help you get unstuck if you are finding yourself in a place currently or even for future use because you know what? It's going to happen again. As much as I don't like to remind myself that it is part of the process of growth, of evolving as a human, but I think it's nonetheless super important just to remember that we will all experience something like this.
Karrie: That's so true. I know that I have also, like you, Dominique, felt stuck at different points throughout my life. One time that is pretty regular for me to feel stuck is in the winter time. So, I live in the northern half of the United States, as does Dominique, and so winter is pretty dreary, pretty gray, not a lot of sunlight, very cold, and the [00:03:00] weather, I'm sure a lot of people can relate to this, really can make me feel just unmotivated, and I do really get like a stuck feeling in the first quarter of the year.
Dominique: I love that you brought that up because I was thinking about that earlier today, since I very much am in cold climate as well, being in Maine and it's snowing today, and I just want to crawl on the couch, grab my cozy blanket, turn on a movie, and just do nothing. Which, you know what? That's absolutely fine. But it's that overall vibe that it gives me is, let's just be lazy and hibernate kind of exactly vibe. Yeah. And it can be a great place to be, when needed, of course. But at times, especially for myself, I've recognized recently that I'm kind of using that as an excuse as well. And something that I've noticed as far as what is making me feel stuck is [00:04:00] also I've got this energy in me that's almost like a pressure cooker building up, but the top isn't being released to express the energy, to take action. And it's something where, I know I've talked to you about it, where I'm like, I wanna do the thing. I know I should do the thing. There's one of those shoulds, , right? We've talked about this before. But I just can't do it. I have a few ideas in mind for why that might be, but one of them, and I'm happy to bring this up, is I have been diagnosed with ADHD and I do find it challenging with executive function and breaking tasks down. And for me, that is something that's been showing up a lot is all of the big goals and dreams that I have, which is a beautiful thing. We need to have that. I see it all, all the possibilities and potentials, and I get overwhelmed, and then [00:05:00] my nervous system feels that as a threat. So then I go into a state of freeze. And that's been coming up for me a lot. I have ways to get out of it, which I will share, but it's just been a really interesting thing to get curious about and also reflect on.
Karrie: That is really interesting. Another thing that popped up for me as a reason that I have felt stuck in the past is because I've allowed myself, and this is before I understood Human Design and my energy and how it worked, but I've allowed myself to reach a level of burnout. And so once I reached that level, I just had nothing more to give. I just felt completely depleted, which put me into a place of feeling really stuck.
Dominique: Yeah. Burnout, huge. And of course, that's going to lead to that loss of motivation, or low drive to do the thing that you even said you wanted to do, maybe like a few weeks ago, and now you're just like, I can't, I just don't have the energy.[00:06:00] I think it's really important because a lot of us, and especially in our world, we're just so heavy and relying on the mind and thinking and logic that we forget the body is talking to us the whole time, and if we're not allowing ourselves to check in and connect, then we're missing those cues of burnout. That's when so many other things can start to manifest. In my situation, last year I started to lose weight unexpectedly, and a few other things that started to pop up for me because of burnout. And that also impacted my drive, my desire to move forward. But then that's when I realized, sometimes being stuck is a signal for me, for you to rest. Your body is resisting something. A lot of the times it can be resisting it because there's a lack of safety when we are unclear, when we're [00:07:00] unfamiliar, or feeling maybe not enough. That enoughness wound is big in many of our lives. It definitely is in mine. But the nervous system shuts down, but it also is going to shut down when it needs to reserve energy. And that was a signal for me last year that getting stuck, being in this place of stuckness is my cue for rest.
Karrie: I think that is so important to reiterate that our bodies are really good at living in the present moment. So our bodies are present, our bodies know what's happening in the present moment and knows what we need, but it's our minds that tend to very rarely be in the present moment. We're either thinking about the future or we're thinking about the past. And it's when we are more able to tune into our bodies that we can bring our whole selves, including our minds, into the present moment. And that is one [00:08:00] of the ways to at least start to recognize when you're stuck and start to help yourself get out of that feeling.
Dominique: Absolutely. For myself, what I learned over the years, especially being someone who was very disconnected from my body due to dissociation and nervous system dysregulation, that a lot of the stuckness that I felt throughout my life was my body going into survival mode, my nervous system saying, hey, this thing is feeling unsafe, and a lot of the times our systems are recognizing something as unsafe that maybe isn't necessarily unsafe, especially with our society right now, how there's just so much commotion with technology and social media, and there's so much information being thrown in our faces. Overwhelm comes from it, and then that creates a lot of disruption in our nervous system. [00:09:00] That in turn is creating this sense of, this isn't safe because this could potentially happen. This virus is out. This war is there. This person has the life that I want. And it just spirals. It completely spirals out of control. Being in that present moment, like you were saying, is one of the best practices that I've incorporated within my own life, within my coaching containers as well, because our minds are going to constantly reflect in the past or seek change future answers and try to make decisions from there as well, which is important. We need to be able to use both mind and body, but together, not leaving the body out of the picture like a lot of us can tend to do.
Karrie: And when we get so stuck in our minds and disconnected from our bodies or the present moment, that is when a lot of us get really stuck in living unconsciously, just doing the same patterns, the [00:10:00] same routines, without thinking about it, without asking, is this actually what I want to be doing? Does this actually bring me happiness or joy? Is this moving me forward in life? Because we've all been there, where we just get into the habit of keeping things easeful and comfortable and we get into a groove and it doesn't even occur to us sometimes to get out of that groove because why would we? Things are moving pretty smoothly. But sometimes when we shake ourselves awake and realize that living in that comfortable groove can keep us really stuck, like we're talking about today, and maybe not allow us to pursue our dreams or our goals or things we really want in life because we've just gotten used to doing it how we're doing it.
Dominique: I love that you bring that up because as I've worked with some clients in the past and working on goals that they're setting for their lives and we get to the achievement of certain goals, but then there's the next [00:11:00] goal, there's that next level up. And then I've had them comment I froze again. I'm stuck again. I don't know what to do. Every time we level up, we give ourselves that next challenge. That's another challenge to the nervous system because it is unfamiliar. We have not gotten into this territory before. And so that new challenge is now something that we have to teach our bodies that, hey, this is safe. This is a good thing just because we don't know what is on the other side, doesn't mean horrible things are going to potentially happen. So every time we level up and we go for something bigger that we're desiring in our lives, and I made some huge life changes last year and that completely flipped my nervous system. I got to put all of my practices into place. But that allowed me to make those baby steps forward through the challenges so I didn't stay in this place of [00:12:00] stuckness where if it was in the past a few years ago, I would have easily probably would been drowning in that place of stuckness.
Karrie: That's amazing. I love hearing true life stories of people who have used their tools or recognized difficult times in their lives, but are able to reflect back on how they were able to get through those times and came out stronger on the other side. What about, Dominique, within the Human Design framework and this idea of stuckness?
Dominique: So, when I was looking at this and something that I've been examining in my own chart, in particular, besides me having all the openness with my Ajna and Throat are defined, but everything else below the throat is open. That means I do not have consistent energy. It is very ebby and flowy. And so the Root Center and the Sacral Center I was looking at the other day, and specifically at the Root Center, Gate [00:13:00] 52 and Gate 53. In Quantum Human Design, Gate 52 is Gate of Perspective. 53 is the Gate of Starting. One thing that's beautiful is that you have the accompanying gate for the Gate of Starting my 53, you have the other side of it, which is the Gate of Finishing. So I feel a lot better when you and I are working together because I can start something very easily.
Karrie: A lot easier than me. I'm terrible at starting.
Dominique: Yeah, but I struggle to complete, to bring things to completion.
Karrie: I got you, girl.
Dominique: Right. Thank you, boo. But that's something where I have grown into being okay with that. And this is where sometimes when you look at that ADHD lens, I have always been someone that's like, ooh, I'm going to try this. Don't finish. Oh, I'm going to try that. Didn't finish. And that doesn't mean I have ADHD. It just means like, oh, I am really good at starting things. I don't have [00:14:00] to finish things, especially if it just isn't that interesting when I thought it might've been. So looking at the Gate 53 being this Gate of Starting and coming to the conclusion, having someone who either has a defined Sacral Center, which would give me the energy to feed off of, or in your case, someone who has the Gate of Finishing to help me process that energy, works very well for me. And that's like one of the most beautiful things I've come to understand over the past year. And then if I look at the Gate 52, it's another gate that can potentially be linked to ADHD because I see broad perspective. It's the Gate of Perspective. You see the big vision of things. But it can be so overwhelming because you have all the possibilities in your mind to focus in on what's the one thing that can get the needle moving is a struggle for me at times. [00:15:00] It's something that I've really had to learn to work with and being in the planner community, luckily, I have tried lots of different tactics, and I have just come to realize I'm going to need certain practices in place at certain times of my life, whatever is going to work best for me to help me focus in. So I think it's really important to also keep in mind that you don't have to be someone to start and finish things. It's okay to have a big view, but struggle to maybe hone in on the fine detail because there's always different ways that you can really work around it, like I was mentioning that I am okay with being able to start things and then I've got you to help me out with completion of things and finding that energy. There's so many people in our lives that are going to come along and help us to give more to the energy that we're needing or compliment us in those ways too.
Karrie: Hey there, friend. Have you signed up [00:16:00] for the Awakened and Alive newsletter yet? If not, we want to invite you to get on the list so you don't miss out on the exciting new offerings we have planned for 2024.
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Karrie: I was reflecting on this idea and how it related to the Enneagram framework. Obviously all nine Enneagram types have, as humans, the tendency to get stuck in life. That's just part of the human experience and it's not special to any of the nine types. But three types that came to mind for me that could have a higher tendency to maybe stay in this stuck place are the three types that are in the Stance that we call the Withdrawn Stance. So this is one of the groupings of [00:17:00] three that happens within the Enneagram framework a lot. And this just means that these are the three types that tend to be more repressed in their Body Center. So like we were saying, your body is in the present moment and knows the appropriate action to take, but if you're repressed in that center it can be a lot harder to tune into that unless you've practiced it and really cultivated that skill. These three types also need a significant amount of time to process, a lot longer than the other six types, and they tend to have the lowest energies of all the types, so they can get really overwhelmed by other people's pace of life. The three types within this center are Types 4, 5, and 9. So, Dominique.
Dominique: Okay. I'm in there.
Karrie: Type 4 can really specifically get stuck or lost in their own feelings. They really think, I can feel my way through this because they tend to be really in touch with their Heart Center, and so they might not have as much action behind anything, so it can really leave them stuck. It's not a bad thing to [00:18:00] process emotionally, but sometimes that can be the only way they process, and there's no action to get them out of the stuck feeling. Type 5, on the other hand, can get lost or stuck in their own thoughts. They're in the Mental Center and they think they can think their way through everything, and they ignore that Body Center and the action needed to move on. Whereas Type 9, one of the more complicated types, can just get lost or stuck in their own sloth, or their own tendency to want to disengage because it's more comfortable. And it's sort of this idea in their minds that if I ignore it, maybe it'll just go away because they don't want to engage with the action or step they need to take. And so it's just, they want to stay in their inner sanctum, in their place of peace and inner harmony that they've cultivated even if everything outside of them is needing their attention.
Dominique: Hmm. Wow. That really, yeah, that resonates. That definitely [00:19:00] resonates with me. And I can definitely see how like through the lens of ADHD as well, it's that time blindness and if I don't have something in front of me, I won't remember that it's there, which is a big reason why I cannot use my phone as a planner to keep track of tasks because it's just not front and center to me, like my actual planner is. Object permanence. I think that's what it is.
Karrie: Yeah. That if it's not in your site, you forget it exists.
Dominique: Mm hmm. Yeah. So that kind of feels like in that connection for me too, when you talk about the 9 that way, and I loved when you brought up the needing of time to process things. That is super crucial if you are an emotional for your authority, which you're an emotional authority Karrie. So it is not correct for an emotional to make split decisions. It is actually of your best interest to take [00:20:00] your time to process things. Of course, our society, we want things quick. We want things done right now, and it is just not conducive to how a lot of people are meant to make their decisions. A little bit over 50 percent of the population are emotional authority, and so you need to be able to take your time into making big decisions, feeling through it, allowing yourself to go through your emotional wave before making that honest decision and knowing that it's gonna be the right one for you. So time, big, big, big to help get you unstuck at times of life.
Karrie: That's great information about some ideas on how we can get unstuck if we are in this place of feeling stuck. And I'm not talking about a place of deep depression where you need really professional help. This is like those times in life that we've all had where we have the tools and the power to motivate ourselves forward [00:21:00] and to get through it. So, Dominique, any other tips or pointers on ideas of how to help ourselves get unstuck?
Dominique: So when it comes to ways that I have used with myself and clients in the past to get unstuck is asking myself, what is one small baby step that I can take that will move the needle just a little bit forward. So I'm going to give an example of doing the dishes. I hate doing the dishes. So I will procrastinate big time. So I will tell myself, okay. I'm going to wash one dish. I can do one dish. It's not going to kill me. And sometimes I'm like, all right, I did my one dish. The majority of the time, I'm like, all right, I'm just going to do the rest of them because I'm already in this. And that's how it happens a lot when we're procrastinating or feeling like we just can't get going, it's just a matter of what's one small thing that I can do that will make me feel [00:22:00] more accomplished or that I've taken some action on whatever area it is that I've been avoiding.
Karrie: And that tip is the exact tip that Enneagram coaches give to Type 9s, like don't make your success completing the task, make your success doing one little piece of the task because you just like motivated your energy to move forward and that's all that we're asking of you. And if after that one little piece of the task you feel satisfied and you did it and you want to quit, great. But usually Type 9s once they get moving and get started keep in motion. They keep using their energy and moving forward.
Dominique: Right? Yeah. Oh, man. I love that. I know that was a real small example of being stuck, but for the bigger reasons for what I've experienced this past year, like really big life changing reasons, what I found helpful was bringing my attention to the present moment. If I was like, I need to do this. I need to do this, but I just can't, bringing myself [00:23:00] into the present moment into my body, so I'm getting out of the spiraling thoughts in my head and taking note of my surrounding. What do I see? What do I hear? Taking note, oh, I'm in a safe environment. I don't have to worry. I don't have to spiral out of control. And then just asking myself, is it safe? Is it okay for me to just pick one small thing to go after and to make that slight movement forward. So it's more of like that reminder of I'm in the present moment. I am safe here. I am in my body. I am in control. Now what is one tiny thing that I can do to alleviate this pressure that I'm feeling?
Karrie: Exactly. Another thing that I've tried doing that's shifted my mindset a lot and I got this idea from Jenna Zoe on Instagram, who's a Human Design expert, and she has talked about just sort of seeing your life from this bird's eye view, kind of like you're watching [00:24:00] a movie of your life and to take it a bit less seriously. So even when you're presented or faced with something challenging or difficult, like getting out of feeling stuck, just seeing that situation as a new adventure or even a test that the universe is giving you to use all these new tools you've cultivated and it can bring a lightness to the situation whereas maybe before there was a heaviness of feeling like, how am I going to get out of this, but just seeing it as an opportunity rather than a challenge. An opportunity to try something new, to try a new pattern. The universe is sort of giving you that message that maybe it's time to try something new that you've been working on or that you haven't had the courage to do.
Dominique: Oh, I like that. I like that a lot. One other thing that I think is really important to, and especially like, if you're sitting here listening to this episode, you're like, Oh my God, [00:25:00] I am totally stuck right now, and I haven't been able to get out of this for days or weeks. I don't know what's wrong with me. What if you just let it be? Today, I'm going to allow myself to be stuck because a lot of the times we go right into what's wrong with me. Why can't I do the thing? I'm not good enough. I'm not fast enough, smart enough. And it's all this enoughness that can come up for us. And if we're constantly pushing and saying, I should be able to do this, why can I not just take that step forward? Sometimes it's about honoring where you're at right now. And a lot of the times, if we allow ourselves to just be where we are, to honor it, to acknowledge that yes, we're stuck, but that doesn't mean you're not good enough or you're not valuable, you're not lovable. It just means you're human and you need time to just be and process. I have found with myself, when I [00:26:00] have done that for myself in the past, I quite often the next day or even within a couple of days, find tremendous energy to start moving because I stopped the whole blaming and shaming upon myself. I acknowledged where I was at, almost like a child. If a child's having a hard time, you're not gonna be like, oh, suck it up, push through it. What's wrong with you? Why can't you just do this? It's okay. That's all right. You know what? People have a hard time sometimes. Can we just let it be? Can we be okay with where it is right now? And check in the next day. Sometimes that's really all that's needed is let it be. Check in with yourself again the next day and see where you're at then.
Karrie: No judgment and with self-compassion, right?
Dominique: Always.
Karrie: I love that one. I really love that one because we've talked about many times on this podcast that we are living in an era and in a society of do, do, do. And even when we're feeling stuck, it's like we're shaming ourselves that we should be doing more. We should be, like you said, shoulding ourselves to [00:27:00] be doing something that we don't feel like we have the capacity to do right now. And that just makes us feel worse. And a lot of times brings us even deeper into feeling stuck because now we have this shame cycle starting about ourselves.
Dominique: Yeah, absolutely. Just digging that hole, digging that ditch even deeper at times when a lot of the times it's just finding that compassion and ability to just allow things to be as they are. And like we were saying before, sometimes it's burnout. Sometimes it's because you've been doing too much and your body is like, no, we're not pushing through this anymore. I am going to purposefully hold you back because you need to rest. And it's all about honoring that place that we're in.
Karrie: Another thing when you're having that moment to yourself, when you're giving yourself this space to just be, if you do feel like you want to quote unquote do anything, just noticing the small miracles and wonders of life around [00:28:00] you, which I know we've mentioned before and it can sound a little cheesy or hokey, but truly, I don't know if people have pets, like when I notice my cat at a really deep level in a very present state, he's like a miracle to me. It always brings me a sense of wonder and happiness and just sort of brings me out of whatever was making me feel stuck or just not aligned or whatever it may be. And just noticing one little thing. It can be the most minor thing and it can have a huge difference on your mindset or your priorities or your sense of gratitude and your place in the world.
Dominique: Absolutely. That's a big one right there. And in Human Design that comes from the Gate 60 is what can you show gratitude towards right now in this moment? Yes, we all have goals that we're working towards. Yes, we want to continue moving forward. But let's not [00:29:00] forget that we, oftentimes, have so much currently in the present moment to feel good about and to feel grateful for, which if you're in a place of gratitude, you can't be in a place of fear or hate or lack. So sometimes it's that slight shift into the world of gratitude and compassion that can really get the momentum moving forward again.
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.[00:30:00]
