A&A Ep. 68
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Karrie: [00:00:00] Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique.
Karrie: And Karrie, two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode. Hey there friends, and welcome back to the podcast. If this is your first time here, a great big welcome, and so happy that you hit play and you're joining us here today. We are going to have conversation on surrender and what it means to surrender. And I think this [00:01:00] is a great point to bring up because at least for me in the past, when I thought about surrendering control or just surrendering to what life brings, I always thought of it as giving up, like it was a negative thing. And over the years, as I've come to redefine a lot of definitions in my own life, surrender is one of those that I now greatly enjoy the process of. I think this is going to be great, Karrie, because first off, I'm excited to hear more about your thoughts on surrender, too. We didn't really talk about this before recording here, so I think it's going to be fun to just hear your thoughts on surrender. But it's really one of those things that we all face at some point in our lives is the whole control situation. And I know that's definitely been going on in my life recently, the past couple of days, especially, but what are your initial thoughts [00:02:00] on surrender when you hear that word, Karrie?
Karrie: Well, it is really interesting timing because the way Dominique and I work when we're deciding on topics for our podcast episodes is we keep a running list and we both just put ideas in. And this topic is one that Dominique added to the list, and outside of that, surrender is the word that I think I've landed on for my word of the year for 2024, because, as Dominique said, it is something that I have definitely had my own issues with in the past. Trying to control everything, control the uncontrollable, has been a big theme in my life. And learning what I can control and what I can let go of, I think, is going to be really, really of benefit to me this next year. So that's why I was thinking it's a good word of the year for me.
Dominique: For sure. And I remember you mentioning that in [00:03:00] our goals episode. And I mentioned that my word of the year was faith, which I think very much links up, compliments each other because when I think of surrender now, it's not about giving up. It's about letting go, and like you mentioned, the control that you feel you have needed in your life in order to feel a certain way, whether it's feeling of safety or support and being okay. When I think about it, I think of control being rooted in fear. And it's almost coming from a place of lacking and again, like the past couple of days, I've really had to look at what surrender meant for myself. I've been having some issues with the house and, Karrie, you and I have talked about how I've been contemplating selling the house and moving on. I've been fighting that back and forth. The [00:04:00] problems that have been coming up have really brought me to pause and ask myself, why do I feel that I need to control this outcome? As I looked at it very much so was rooted in fear. Fear of the future and fear of letting go of something that has importance or had importance. And at this point, kind of no longer serves the life that I'm wanting to move forward with. So I really encourage people now when you're contemplating what surrender means to you and redefining it, to look at it as more of a giving over, a letting go, releasing stress from yourself in a way instead of looking at it as a giving up and throwing in the rag kind of deal.
Karrie: And I think another important component, at least for myself, when I'm thinking of this concept is to let go of any judgment [00:05:00] around any of it as well. Whatever happens is happening, and the less that we can put our own biases and conditioned opinions and thoughts on it, the better, because everything has a neutral stance to it until we put our own ideas on it, and then we make it into something positive or negative. For example, what's happening with Dominique's house right now is she's having to have some things repaired that was really unexpected. And our initial reaction is this is a really negative thing. I have to spend money I wasn't anticipating. I'm dealing with the workers and scheduling and it's just a huge hassle. But really it's just a neutral thing that's happening and in the long run, her whole outcome or perspective could change, because it could be the thing that triggers her to sell the house and move on to something better. And when she can look back on this, see, wow, that was such an amazing thing that happened that got me started in that process and got me to where I am today.
Dominique: Yeah. I love that [00:06:00] you bring that up because as you're saying that again, like you and I have talked about this. I have been fighting myself, my inner knowing that it is the right thing for me to do, to move on, to let go of this place that served me very well, but is not in my future. Because, again, of that fear that's coming up and me just probably not trusting myself fully, that inner knowing, I have been kind of a little wishy washy. And I could easily say like, Oh my gosh, why is this happening to me? All these things are falling apart. All the money that I'm having to put out there. It's easy to get into that mindset, and I certainly was there, I allowed myself to be there for a moment because it sucks. But then I was like, you know what, what if this is more of a push telling me that, hey, listen to what you feel is right. You feel the right thing to do would be [00:07:00] to sell the house, move on. Maybe this is another kind of check on the list of pros and cons and a pro of me putting the house up for sale and moving onto a new chapter. So that's something that I definitely have been sitting with the past couple of days. And I mentioned to you, I think this is a push for me to listen more to what is really feeling right, because we're our own authority and we can listen to what parents say, what friends say, society says, especially when it comes to being a homeowner. I've got a lot of chatter going on in my ears and the sense of responsibility is in the background for me. But what feels right for me is not what I am hearing from most other people. And I have to realize that only I know what is going to be best for my own life and [00:08:00] staying on track with that. It's a process. It takes a lot of faith and that's why my word of the year is faith, just faith that things are going to work out the way they're meant to work out as long as I can surrender in the areas where I do not have the control that I think I have.
Karrie: And it's really easy as the person not going through it to say, oh, you need to surrender and you need to have a neutral stance and not judge it. I fully understand how hard it is when you're the person going through it to maintain this way of thinking. And I think that's why it's so helpful to start developing it and thinking about these concepts when your life is sort of in a place of calm, when you're not in the midst of some big hardship or challenge or something like that, because if you're in the midst of it, it's really hard to grasp onto these concepts if you haven't been practicing them and contemplating them when your life is in a state [00:09:00] of calm.
Dominique: Yeah, that's a really great point to bring up because, yeah, when we're in the midst of chaos, we're in survival mode. If we haven't already been working on trying to create resiliency and the ability for us to regulate ourselves in the moment, our nervous systems are trying to just keep us alive. And it sees chaos as threat. And so we start to fight back, run away, freeze, all the different mechanics that go into how our nervous system works can really sabotage our beliefs, our thoughts on it, and the actions that we take. So I think that's a really great point to bring up. Also talking again about what's your definition of surrender. And if you have a definition of giving up, then looking at it and asking, why? Why do I believe it's giving up? When's the first time I came with this belief or I heard someone else say this? And starting [00:10:00] to look at what your definition could be. Was that something you learned from a caregiver or from a friend or school? And this goes for any type of definition that you might view as a negative or you try to avoid because of that reason. And examining it and trying to get to the root of why you have a belief about it. And that's what I did with this definition with surrender. I also realized that surrendering to if there's a job that you want and you're pushing for it, or if there's a move that you want to make and there's chaos going on with that, it's looking at it and asking yourself, how could I allow myself to surrender and just be a little bit more okay with not having such strong holds and a strong outcome. Thinking of it, maybe more of like, okay, this is going to be an experience. And I'm going to learn from this experience [00:11:00] instead of looking at it as a failure, if you don't control and you don't get the outcome that you're desiring. That's a big one that I've also been working on myself and that I've worked on a lot with clients in the past.
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Karrie: When I was trying to connect this whole idea of surrender within the Enneagram, the concept that came to mind most prominently for me is something I haven't talked about on the podcast, I don't believe, and that is part of the Enneagram framework and it's the Levels of [00:12:00] Development. It's a really important part because, I won't go into all the details, but it has to do with psychology and Riso and Hudson came up with it and they are the major players who put the Enneagram system into how we see it now. They wrote a really great book called The Wisdom of the Enneagram, if anyone's wanting to dig deeper into this. The three Levels of Development that each type has is the healthy range, the average range, and the unhealthy range. Within those three levels, there are three other levels. So there's nine total Levels of Development. And if you are, like Dominique said, in survival mode, in that unhealthy range of a Level of Development, whether it's something happening in your life within your control or without of your control, that is not the time to try to surrender because when we are in an unhealthy Level of Development, that is when we may be inadvertently being really destructive to our [00:13:00] life or to others lives. A lot of it can stem from addiction or extreme mental illness. It's when we're in ultimate survival mode. Obviously, anyone has the ability to get support, to use tools, and to work really hard and do all of the things that I'm not saying are easy at all to try to move up into a different Level of Development. So if you would go from unhealthy to the average level, you're probably feeling a lot better, but you are still pretty asleep to yourself and to your own ego and to your own personality. You might be having a little bit of self-sabotage in there, but it's nothing like you were experiencing in the unhealthy level. Most people probably are functioning day-to-day in the average range of Levels of Development, because we're just focused on going to work and making enough money and taking care of kids and taking care of aging parents and doing all these things where we feel pulled to do for others and we [00:14:00] aren't necessarily focused in on ourselves. Now the healthy range in the Level of Development is when people are really awake to themselves, really present, living in the present moment most of the time. They're really connected to their own essence, meaning their true selves outside of their ego or their personality. And it takes a lot of intentional work to get to a healthy level and not everyone will achieve it and there's no judgment around that. For some people, it's not even something they desire to achieve. They're very content living in that average range of development and it's okay. That's totally fine.
Dominique: Yeah, that's awesome, and as you're saying all of this I reflect back on my own process and how surrendering or giving over to life unfolding how it's meant to, was something I struggled with, I could not do. And when I think of the process, like you had mentioned, I really worked on learning how to be more present and [00:15:00] not so future-focused, especially with that. And because in reality, we have no control. The past happened. The future, who knows what could happen. The only thing we have control of is our present moment. That's where choice lies. That's something that I worked on for years because I was also dissociated for most of my life. It took me a very long time, but I can honestly say that my ability now to be more okay and more open to surrendering to chaos and to surrendering to life unfolding the way it's meant to, is because I have learned to be more present and I've learned to be more okay with the whole sense of control that I came to realize is very false for myself, at least, because the things I thought I could control and did control in my past, that was not accurate [00:16:00] at all. And I've been more open to trial and error, experimenting with it. Over the years, as I have really looked back at the things that I was more open to surrendering to, I had much greater outcomes, much more positive, much more enriching outcomes versus the times where I felt the need to control. When we look at it from the Human Design lens, when we're trying to be something or somebody we're not, and when we're trying to maintain control, we are expending tremendous amount of energy, because we are going against our nature. We are going against the energy around us, and you've heard like attracts like, and everything is energy. There's so much truth to that, to the point where I have experimented with myself in this, and I have come to realize the times that I was living outside of who I am and using energy [00:17:00] that was not mine, burnout occurs. It takes so much more energy to try to push than to just allow. That pushing often leads to burnout for individuals. And that's what I saw within my own life for many years and even last year as well, because I had so much fear about slowing down. That led to me hitting burnout last year and having to really look that over and say, okay, what is happening? How can I get back on track? That was me getting back into my body, more nervous system regulation, more work on being in the present moment as well.
Karrie: That is such an important point to reiterate, I think, is part of learning this technique of surrender and acceptance is connecting more with the body because your body's always giving you messages. It's [00:18:00] always communicating to you about things, and most of the time, I know, at least for myself and most people I know in my life, 99. 9 percent of the time my brain is trying to override this. My mind is trying to tell me to do something else, to do what I've been conditioned to think. Dominique's house situation is the perfect thing, like we're conditioned to think owning a home is the ultimate part of the American dream. If you do own a home, you have reached a pinnacle of success that people who don't own a home haven't achieved. But her body's giving her all these signs about it doesn't feel great to own a home anymore. I'm experiencing more stress owning a home. It's creating more tension within me. So wrestling with that is a very real thing all of us go through and it takes a lot of practice and a lot of trust, faith, and surrender to listen to the body over the mind because we have been taught that the mind is the ultimate [00:19:00] machine in allowing us to have the human experience, when we are now just starting to learn is just not the case.
Dominique: Exactly. And yes, the mind is a powerful thing. It's necessary. Logic is necessary. However, it's not the end all be all. And the problem is that most humans spend too much time in the mind when the mind is looking for patterns to make sense of things. However, it can really only see patterns and come to the realization of, oh, this happened when this happened in the the past, this was the result. So that means this will be the result, and it could be totally false though. It could be a completely different result, but just because the brain is always looking for patterns, it doesn't mean that it is going to make the best choices for you. Human Design shows us how to get back into the body to feel into what is right going off of our instincts, going off of how our [00:20:00] emotions guide our actions. The nervous system is actually where our stories and beliefs start. And so if our nervous system is dysregulated, our beliefs and stories are going to be ones of not enough, having lack, having fear. And that sets the mind off to look for patterns that it can predict outcomes from the past, and we can never guarantee that the past will repeat itself. The best thing that I have allowed myself to do is to stay within my body when I'm wanting to flee and get into my mind. And the challenges I've had recently have led to a lot of health stuff going on for me as well, because I have been fighting what has been feeling right for me. And so I'm in a process right now of looking at all of that again, and [00:21:00] really becoming okay with being different from what everybody else says is right or wrong and doing what feels best for me.
Karrie: I think one of the main takeaways for this episode is hopefully people being able to see the concept of surrender as a strength rather than as that idea of giving up, like we talked about in the beginning. And basically, that surrendering allows us to connect more deeply with the present moment, which is ultimately what most of us are trying to do when we are trying to regulate ourselves and stop living either in the past, which tends to create a sense of loss or lack, or living in the future, which creates a sense of fear and anxiety, and just being in that place, like Dominique said, where we do have control and we have choice, which is the [00:22:00] present moment.
Dominique: Yeah, and like we've said, it's not an easy task to be able to release control and to say, okay, all right, life, you take me where I need to go. It's not easy and it is a process, but I think like everything else, we love to say compassion for the process, compassion for yourself, loving yourself through it all, and knowing that it could possibly be a bumpy road. And that's okay, because you're learning something new. You're learning to do something that most of society struggles with, and that's the process of letting go and realizing that it can be a safe and joyful process.
Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
Dominique: If you'd like to have a question [00:23:00] answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
