A&A Ep. 67
===
[00:00:00] Karrie: Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
[00:00:07] Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
[00:00:17] Karrie: and Karrie. Two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
[00:00:33] Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode.
[00:00:36] Karrie: Welcome back to the Awakened and Alive After 40 podcast. We are really excited today to talk about a topic that I think all of us will be able to relate to on some level. Obviously we've all had different experiences in our lives, and with that [00:01:00] comes a variety of different levels of hardships that we have each experienced in our lives. So, we are going to talk about this idea of hardship and how hardship is somewhat necessary for us to have growth in our lives, that hardship is what can lead to growth. And sort of ponder that question. Can we have growth in our lives without hardship? What are your thoughts, Dominique?
[00:01:30] Dominique: I love how you put it. Can we just sit and ponder that question? And it's not that you're totally letting go or allowing what happened in the past to just be like, Oh, Oh, well. There's not that whole total forgetting or minimizing anything that might have been really hard or cruel through your life. It's more of pondering and asking the question of what lesson did I learn from this? And that's how I [00:02:00] approach a lot of my own hardships, a lot of them, which I have shared on the podcast. Whereas before I really had victim mentality and I used a lot of the time, the whole excuse, well, this happened to me, so I can't do this. This happened to me, so that's why I'm this way. I will admit, I was giving over my power to the experiences that I had in my past, but I'm not judging myself. I'm not shaming myself. I came to the realization, after I kind of sat with it and I pondered it and I looked at it, that I did the best I could with the resources I had at that time and for my ability to process at that time. So I think that this is really important, like you mentioned, Karrie, just to bring to conversation and again, realize that you're not minimizing anything that might have occurred or is occurring in your [00:03:00] life right now, but we can always take a pause and just look at things through a different lens.
[00:03:07] Karrie: And conversely to that, when I look at my life or when an outsider would look at my life, it might appear, compared to someone else, that I haven't had a lot of hardship. So when we compare our hardships and our difficult times to other people, sometimes we can minimize what we've been through because it's like, well, I haven't been through what she's been through, and what she's been through is so much worse. Then it's like, we aren't actually giving credence to what we've gone through, even though it might not be the same type of hardship or the same level of hardship as someone else. I know with everything that's happening globally, those of us who live somewhere with some relative stability can really do this to ourselves and think well, at least I have stability in my life right now and my country isn't in active war with [00:04:00] another country or another nation, so then it can cause us to diminish maybe what we are going through and sometimes that can be helpful because it puts things in perspective But other times it's not really honoring what we have dealt with and maybe how we have grown from it.
[00:04:16] Dominique: Thank you for bringing that up, Karrie. I greatly appreciate that because I was very much in that place years ago where I would say, well, I should be able to get over this because I didn't have it nearly as bad as this person. And that's something that I quite often would hear with my coaching clients as well. A lot of, I should be able to do this because it's not as bad as what somebody else is experiencing. I think it's so crucial for us to understand that we cannot compare experiences, traumas, whatever they might be to each other because first off, our nervous systems' response [00:05:00] can be extremely different. And like you said, you're minimizing, you're not allowing to process what occurred and it really is about just accepting what you feel is valid. How you feel about your experience yourself is valid. Your nervous system is going to respond in a different way to protect you, to keep you safe, to keep you secure. It's going to be extremely different from somebody else's. So there's no way we can compare each other. And so I, again, appreciate you bringing that up, because I was in that place of judgment and blame for a very long time, and that's what I work with with a lot of my clients as well is accepting that your feelings, your emotions, your process is valid, it is yours, and nobody else's.
[00:05:57] Karrie: I saw a really [00:06:00] powerful image on Instagram a couple weeks ago, sort of in relation to this. I think it was more specifically talking about trauma, but obviously trauma can fall under hardship, and it showed one gigantic spoon of quote unquote poison is the same as someone who drank, metaphorically, 20 tiny spoons of the same poison. So it was comparing little t traumas over the course of a lifetime to one big t trauma and them equaling the same amount even though a lot of times we only give validation to those big T traumas as being legitimate trauma or something and the little T traumas are things that we should just be able to get over.
[00:06:42] Dominique: Yeah. And for example, for those of you listeners who maybe don't really understand the difference between big T and little T traumas. Big T traumas could be like major car accident, war, abuse. Little T traumas can be not getting your needs met by not feeling [00:07:00] seen or heard when you're younger or being bullied in some ways in school. So things that maybe weren't physical towards you, but very much emotionally scarring. So when it comes to these big T and little T traumas, a lot of times it's the little T traumas that leave the most lasting imprint on individuals because they aren't visible. They aren't known. They're often hidden because of feeling shame or blame within ourselves, or not having a caregiver to help us process. And that's the big thing about trauma in general, whether it's big T or little t, that the whole processing part when it occurs is crucial. Trauma is not the event that happened. It is your body's response to that event. So if you were in a state of fear of feeling that [00:08:00] you were not secure and you didn't have a caregiver to tell you, it's okay, I'm here, I'm going to help you process it, take care of it, you are safe. Then you could very well have lasting effects from that event. And in my case, that was kind of what happened to me is I didn't speak up. I didn't say anything, so nobody knew what I had gone through. And that left lingering impact on my nervous system. So it greatly helps if you have the proper support when you're younger, usually when you're younger is when you're experiencing things that are difficult to process and so a lot of us that carry conditioning and unresolved traumas, it occurred at a much younger age and is still showing up in our lives because our bodies are carrying that memory. But that's where the whole processing of it, allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, is part of the healing as an adult.
[00:08:58] Karrie: Hey there, friend. Have you [00:09:00] signed up for the Awakened and Alive newsletter yet? If not, we want to invite you to get on the list so you don't miss out on the exciting new offerings we have planned for 2024.
[00:09:11] Dominique: By receiving the weekly newsletter, you'll be the first to hear when new episodes drop, along with updates on a very special project we've been working on for our amazing community.
[00:09:25] Karrie: I think with each new generation more and more is being researched and understood about these different levels of trauma about how they are all still impactful to each of us. And most people have experienced some level of trauma at some point in their life, but a lot of times what we are talking about when we say little t traumas are the things that the older the generation, the more that it was ignored or not validated. And so I think with each newer generation, they are more [00:10:00] aware of how impactful even the seemingly smallest thing can be in having some kind of effect on each of us. But like we said, this episode, we really want to focus on what can come out of these hardships and traumas that we all experience. And true growth is really possible through all of these difficulties. I know a lot of times when we're in the midst of going through something difficult, it's really hard to see how anything good can come out of it, or what it could possibly teach us or lead us to. But this is one of those times when it is interesting to look back on your life at things you've already been through and maybe done that investigating of what came of that. What did I learn from that? How did I grow from that? I know hindsight is always 20/20, and I think it's really interesting to look back on some of those more difficult hardships I've experienced in my life and see what came out of that, how I grew as a [00:11:00] person.
[00:11:00] Dominique: Mhm. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's really important along the lines of what you're saying too, is that when something is really fresh, when we are going through a really challenging experience and that wound is open, not necessarily trying to see the silver lining or be like, oh, okay, what can I learn from this? No. Allow yourself to feel, to grieve, to be angry, to be sad, to be fearful, to be whatever it is that you're feeling in that moment. It is fresh, it is new, it needs to be processed. However, once we allow ourselves that time for processing struggles that we're going through, then it turns into us having awareness, and now we get to choose how we move forward. And I wanna share a quote by Victor Frankel, and he was a Holocaust survivor. There's a bunch of quotes of his that I love, but one particular, he says, between [00:12:00] stimulus and response, there's a space and that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The first time I read that quote, I was just like yeah. When I came to the awareness that I was continuing to play victim in my life, and I was giving my power over to others, I read that and I was like, wait, whoa, this is my choice now. I processed, but I'm staying in this old story that is no longer serving me. So now, what do I want my story to be? How do I want to grow? How do I want to create my freedom? And that was a big game changer for me, realizing that I had choice. I'm the creator of my life. But again, I processed all of it first. I allowed myself to feel everything I needed to feel. But [00:13:00] then it was my time to decide how I wanted to continue responding and creating my life.
[00:13:06] Karrie: And for those of us who have done work and tried to learn strategies for how to regulate our nervous systems, and we're more in tune with that side of ourselves, when we face hardship, that's like the test of all tests, so that's when we can really put these strategies that we've cultivated and we've practiced to the test. We can see, can I handle this? Can I regulate myself? It's almost like looking at it, this might be an extreme way of saying it, but looking at it as a gift mm to have this experience, to use these strategies, because if our lives are just going along smoothly every single day for the rest of our lives, yeah. What's the point? Why did we learn all of this? Mm hmm. Why do we have all of these tools to assist us when we need assistance?
[00:13:58] Dominique: Yeah. Very much so. [00:14:00] And I feel that in my whole body as you're saying that because I've shared before when I look at struggle from a Human Design lens, first off, we're all designed to struggle, not suffer. We are not here on this earth right now in this lifetime to suffer, we're here to struggle. Because it is through our struggles, and I challenge you right now, I invite you to pause and think back at a time when you successfully made your way through a challenge in life. And now think about how did I grow? What did I learn from that? Because you already made it through to the other end. And so it's through that struggle that you gained a tremendous amount of knowledge about yourself, about the world, about others. And for myself, my conscious sun, the major theme of my life is the Gate 28, which is the Gate of Struggle. When I learned that about my [00:15:00] design, I cried, because I was like, my whole life has felt like a struggle, but the low end of it is living in victim consciousness, which I had a lot of my life, and that's okay, because I was a victim at one point, and I needed to be with that. But then again, when I had the awareness, I was like, all right, I get to choose now. So the high end is seeing the challenges, the struggles in life as adventures, as something to move you forward in your growth, in your experience, in your knowledge. And now when I look at it, everything that I went through led to me learning about the body, human behavior, nervous system regulation. I've been able to clear myself of anxiety, of the unresolved trauma that I've experienced. I can find peace in my body. I'm able to connect my body now, and I'm teaching others how to do the same, all because of my process. And that's a great [00:16:00] gift to be able to share that with others now and to have connections with others that I would have never been able to have if I didn't go through the process of learning how to make my way through that challenge and struggle and to be adamant that I wasn't getting pulled down. I even to this day, one of the things I love about myself is my tenacity that I, I came to learn about just a few years ago and it's never too late to get started. That's the exciting thing, to me, is taking those struggles and now it's become much of a gift that I have to share because of the knowledge I've gained along the way.
[00:16:40] Karrie: That's really, really inspiring. I think a lot of people listening are going to feel that as well because like you said, having that ability to have the perspective that struggle can be an adventure and that it can give you gifts. It can give you, like you [00:17:00] said, you developed this tenacity, perseverance, grit, the ability to persevere through difficulty is something that a lot of people really do struggle with. And when someone can have that inner strength and see whatever hardship they're dealing with as an opportunity of sorts, they are going to come out 100 percent okay on the other side. I mean, it might be difficult and take time to get there, but it will happen. And you are a shining example of this.
[00:17:34] Dominique: Well, thank you. When I can look at it now, and by no means was that easy. The resiliency I now have is still constant work for me. And it took me a while to get there because I was teaching my nervous system a whole new way of living, a whole new way of experiencing safety. And I think what's really important to [00:18:00] understand besides the understanding that each of our nervous systems are going to function very, very differently, it's also coming to realize that again, we're here to struggle because this is where we gain knowledge of also where we're supposed to be healing, and that can be within a relationship with yourself within relationship with others and relationship with career or whatever it might be. And for me, when I look at everything that I've been guided towards in my life, much of my healing is to be done in relationships, because that's where my original wounding happened. And so I have faced many struggles in relationships, but with that awareness, I do know that I can change that, and I change it first by caring for myself. And I think that's very, very crucial for all of us is to understand that it starts within ourselves, and it's not outside. It's all [00:19:00] within and learning to love ourselves and to, again, recognize we are all going through struggles. A lot of the times it's silent. We can look at someone and say, oh, they've got the perfect life and look how happy they are. We're just seeing the very tip of the iceberg. And so everyone's going through their struggles and there's no comparison game involved here. It's a matter of how can you care for yourself so that way you can create the life that you want and keep your focus on what it is that you are desiring and needing.
[00:19:35] Karrie: When I was thinking about the Enneagram framework and this topic and how I could relate it, at first I was thinking obviously every Enneagram type can have hardship in their life. As Humans, we can't avoid it, but three types came to mind that I think, in general, tend to deal with struggle really well. And after I thought of these three [00:20:00] types, I realized that they are part of a triad together. So it was interesting to me to make this connection, because they are in the same Harmonic Triad, which is also one of the Conflict Reaction Styles. And these types are generally referred to as the Reactive Types. So they're the types that maybe have clearer access to some of their emotions, or at least the ability to express them. And so, I'm wondering if maybe that coincides with their ability to handle hardship, at least from the outside perspective, a little bit easier. So, these three Enneagram types are Type 4, Type 6, and Type 8. And, in general, Type 4s are able to handle the feelings of all the emotions in themselves and in others. They don't feel uncomfortable by this. Other people may in fact feel uncomfortable around them because of how comfortable they are with their own emotions and expressing them. And [00:21:00] then Type 6s, in general, tend to be very mentally prepared for challenge because they've already gone over all of the possible scenarios in their mind, and so when shit does hit the fan, they're actually really calm because it's like they've already anticipated it, and they know how to handle whatever's happening. And then lastly, for Type 8s, in general, they have this really intense inner and outer strength that allows them to handle life's difficulties with seeming ease. Maybe they are burying some of the stress they are feeling because generally 8s are able to show their anger with ease, but they might struggle to show some of the other more vulnerable emotions that they may be feeling through life's struggles.
[00:21:45] Dominique: Wow. That's awesome. And if I'm correct, your partner is an 8, right?
[00:21:50] Karrie: He is, yes.
[00:21:51] Dominique: Yeah. So do you see that ease with challenges in a way with him?
[00:21:57] Karrie: Oh, yeah. I mean, he actually [00:22:00] likes when he is going through a hardship, because he is one of those people that really sees it as an adventure or a lesson. In fact, we have had times in our lives where he has come to me and said our life has gotten too easy. We need to make a change. We need to be challenging ourselves more, so that's something he seeks out.
[00:22:19] Dominique: Wow. That's just, yeah, that's fascinating to me. And I definitely won't be seeking challenge.
[00:22:25] Karrie: Me neither.
[00:22:26] Dominique: But I will be more accepting of it for sure. And I think it's also fun to note too with Human Design, we all have conundrums in our charts, and the conundrum is when there's different parts competing with each other. I'll give an example, for me being a 1/3 profile. The 1 is very investigative. They like to be prepared and know things, and a fear can be fear of the unknown. And the 3 is someone who's very experiential, and they try everything just so they can learn through [00:23:00] the process of trial and error, but the fear can be of mistakes. When it comes to the 1, you're gaining all this knowledge and you're doing so in order to share it. But then you're going through the experimental process and you got the fear of mistakes. That's a conundrum right there. You have to implement and experiment knowledge in order to be able to share it. So, the 1 is fearful of the unknown, and the 3 is fearful of the mistakes. And I have seen that really butt up in my life where I was like, Oh no, I need to know a little bit more and then I won't make a mistake. Then it'll be good. I'm going to study a little bit more. So that hesitancy to try it and allow myself to make a mistake, is very much not a comfortable thing for the 1, but it's a massive part of the 3. And there's many ways we can have conundrums in our charts. It can be through the profile, like I just shared. Being a projector. Projectors are non-energy beings [00:24:00] because there's an open sacral. However, we absorb and amplify energy of others. That is an issue for potential burnout, because it's not ours to keep. So that's another conundrum where we can feel super energized but burn ourselves out if we are not aware that it's not ours to keep. So we all have some sort of conundrum in the chart. And this is where we are meant to learn lessons, to learn more about ourselves, to learn more about others, and to take those lessons and apply them to the next chapter in life. And that to me now, when I look at it is the beauty, where it's like, I learned this. Now I know if I just maybe try it this way next time, it'll work out better. And there becomes an excitement about it in a way, for me at least, where I want to now make the mistake or do the trial and error process because I'm like, I'm going to nail this, whatever this thing is, [00:25:00] I'm going to come out on top or I'm going to give it my all at least. And that's just been through a lot of practice with being okay with making mistakes. And understanding that the threes, any threes out there, there's no such thing as mistakes. It's lessons learned.
[00:25:17] Karrie: And just a note, she's talking about Human Design profiles.
[00:25:21] Dominique: Yes.
[00:25:22] Karrie: When she's saying the numbers, not Enneagram types. Although, Enneagram Type 3 can use that advice, too.
[00:25:28] Dominique: All the ways that it kind of comes together.
[00:25:30] Karrie: So I think all in all, having awareness when you may be going through a difficult time or any kind of hardship in your life, remembering that everything is temporary, even though it seems really difficult in the moment. And even if it's something that might stay difficult, like, for example, a chronic illness that you know you're always going to be dealing with, at least you know there are ups and downs within the illness. So I'm not talking about always living life through rose-colored [00:26:00] glasses. Obviously, we live in a reality and we each have our own reality that we have to accept. But within our realities, there are always ups and downs, and knowing that the downs are somewhat temporary, having that awareness and really changing your mindset that the downs are providing us with something. They are providing us with learning opportunities. They're providing us with perspective. They are providing us with the opportunity to use any tools we've worked on developing. And these are things that we can have gratitude for.
[00:26:32] Dominique: Absolutely. And, again, I reiterate, by no means are we minimizing anything that you may be going through right now or have gone through in the past, like Karrie mentioned, the first step is just awareness and acceptance for what is, because we can only control so much in our lives, and I think that the acceptance and awareness is a crucial part from there, and then [00:27:00] allowing yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel for however long you need to feel it. And from there, then you can start creating more choice in your life because you've processed and there's the saying what you resist persists, and I will definitely say that is true because I've seen that many times in my own life, and it was when I just surrendered and I allowed myself to go through the process that I then could be like, okay, what do I want to choose now? How do I want to move forward through this challenge so I can make the most of it, gain what I need to gain from it, and continue creating the life that I deserve and that I desire? And I think that process is a very sensitive one, and it takes time. You can't rush it. And I think along with everything else, how we often love to share, viewing ourselves and the world through a lens [00:28:00] of compassion and understanding that that compassion needs to start within ourselves first. If we can't see ourselves with compassion, if we can't give ourselves that type of compassion that we deserve, then it's not going to be possible for us to give that to others the way we're desiring as well. So give yourself that compassion. Give yourself that love because it makes that whole process a little bit more gentle.
[00:28:32] Karrie: Thank you for listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
[00:28:37] Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.[00:29:00]
​
