A&A Ep. 66
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[00:00:00] Karrie: Welcome to Awakened and Alive After 40.
[00:00:07] Dominique: If you're searching for inspiring and easy to apply Enneagram and Human Design content, then you've come to the right place. We're your hosts, Dominique
[00:00:17] Karrie: and Karrie. Two friends and coaches who are passionate about sharing our knowledge and insights on these two powerful self-awareness systems to help you step outside the box and into a life that is true to who you really are.
[00:00:33] Dominique: We're so grateful to have you here. Let's jump into today's episode. Hello friends, and welcome back to the podcast. If you are just joining us for the first time, then welcome. We are so excited to have you here and thank you for hitting play on today's episode. We are going to chat a little bit today about what to do when life doesn't go according to [00:01:00] plan. And I think it's safe to say most of us have experienced that in our lives. I know for me, 2023 definitely did not go according to plan and it's also a reason I think I mentioned recently in our goals episode, a reason why I don't often get super detailed and strict with my goals is because life happens. Right? We need to allow for stuff to happen and for flow to be a big part of it. So we're going to just share a little bit about our own experiences, what we learned from them, and we also want to provide some tips and some ways that you can better navigate these ups and downs that are going to happen and just to make the process as graceful as possible when we just sometimes need to cope [00:02:00] and get through it.
[00:02:02] Karrie: Yeah, that's a great way to put it to try to be as graceful as possible. I really like that word and the feeling that it evokes when you think about grace because it also has that meaning behind it that we need to give ourselves grace whenever we are going through big unexpected changes because a lot of times we can be really hard on ourselves and think, I should just be okay with this. And why am I struggling so much with this? Especially if you start comparing what's happening to you to bigger things happening to other people and then you're trying to diminish whatever is happening to you and you just get in this spiral of feeling terrible about yourself.
[00:02:46] Dominique: Yeah, it's a horrible thing. I know many of us go through that for sure.
[00:02:51] Karrie: Dominique, can you think of any concrete example in your life of when you were living life thinking everything was [00:03:00] going really well and then all of a sudden something threw you off track or some big change happened that you were not anticipating?
[00:03:07] Dominique: Yeah, absolutely. And it's happened quite a few times to me, but I have to say the most recent time being this past year, 2023, is when I felt that I was able to handle these changes with more grace. This past year did not turn out the way I expected it to, or the way I entered into 2023. And so a lot of the lessons that I learned had to do with honoring my need for rest, my need for support from others. I started seeing a trauma informed therapist to help me process a lot of the things that were coming up for me. And I'd done therapy in the past, and I always loved it. I work with coaches, mentors, therapists, and I just love the variety and how each one serves a purpose. This past [00:04:00] year my support was in need of a trauma informed therapist, and honoring that I needed that support and not like hammering myself about like, oh, come on, you can't do this yourself, how I would have done in the past, almost judging myself in a way because I should know what to do. I do this with others. I've done this work on myself for so long, but I just simply honored that need for the rest and also to incorporate more play, which I have always struggled with because when I am passionate about something like the work I do in coaching, I am constantly studying, researching, working, and that is not what was needed this past year. And I actually took a big break from my coaching business so that I could focus on replenishing myself. And of course, the focus we've been putting into this [00:05:00] podcast, which has been so nourishing for me. How about you, Karrie? What's something recently that you can say was unexpected and that you maybe found a way to give yourself grace with?
[00:05:11] Karrie: I'm sure I've mentioned it on the podcast before that when we were living abroad, we were living in Spain, and we wanted to continue living there, but when you're abroad and you're not in your country of birth, it can be really difficult to stay and especially to have permission to work. And so we found out unexpectedly that we had to leave Spain, and we had like a month until our visas ran out. So we had a month to organize the move back to the United States. And it all felt very much out of our control. All of my other moves and major life changes, I had decided upon. I had decided I want this, even if it was still difficult or had a lot of steps involved in planning and organizing, I chose it. And this was the first time, especially [00:06:00] related to where I was living, where I felt like I had no control whatsoever, and the rug was just pulled out from underneath me and I had no choice. I had no other actions I could take. I had to move back to the U.S. And it was really, really difficult. It was super emotional. I had a lot of anger around the whole thing. A lot of sadness, tears every day for at least a month. And I have to say, I still really, really miss living in Spain and the life I had there, but now I'm able to see reasons why potentially that major change that the universe, whatever thing out there is bigger than us could have a hand in it, and that has given some level of comfort, seeing with 20/20 hindsight what has happened since then and how it has benefited me to [00:07:00] be living where I'm living. That certainly helps when it's in the past and you can revisit it and see why it happened. But in the moment, that isn't as comforting because when you're experiencing it and feeling it and having all of the emotions that come along with unexpected and unwanted change, it can be really, really hard to have that bigger picture focus.
[00:07:23] Dominique: Oh, for sure. And I think it's really important also to just mention, whenever we go through this unexpected change that happens in life, who knows when, but we're all going to experience it. It is such a shock to our nervous systems that, you can certainly do the best you can to stay calm, go with grace, but sometimes it's just full freak out mode that I go into, and that's because we like familiarity. We like to know what is coming. That's just human [00:08:00] behavior, that is a human need, having some certainty in our lives. So like you were mentioning, hindsight 20/20, yeah, you can say, oh, I learned, you know, these lessons or it happened so that I could grow in this area. You can see the benefit in a way later on, but when it's happening, oh my gosh, it is a major struggle, which is why we're talking about this today to remove some of that judgment and the blame and shame that we can put upon ourselves for not being able to just quickly shift and go with the flow. And we're like, why am I freaking out? Why do I feel so much sadness? Why do I feel so much anger? It's all necessary to feel what you need to feel. The more we just bring this conversation and talk about, shit happens, and it's not easy to deal with it, especially if you have to deal with it on your own, if you don't have friends or family or support, [00:09:00] like, that's no cakewalk, for sure. And this past year, for me, it was also a year of just surrendering control. I have been a control freak for so much of my life because that made me feel safe. My nervous system said, keeping control, having certainty in life is going to make you feel safe, which is not true, of course. But that is something this past year was a big lesson for me, to surrender to my need for rest when I wanted to work because I had so much fear behind if I don't work, I'm not going to be able to support myself. Or if I rest too much, I'm not going to be able to get the energy to get back up and do the things that I want to do. And I fought it in the beginning, but then when I allowed myself to just let go, surrender, follow what my body is telling me to follow, that's when I started to [00:10:00] feel so much more ease. Like they say, what you resist persists. That is a saying for a reason.
[00:10:06] Karrie: Yeah. And something that you've touched upon that I think is really important is a lot of times whenever we have some major shift in our life or major change, whether it's in our control or not within our control afterwards, we sort of need this reset period or this period of rest, this period of letting ourselves recalibrate to the change. And I know even though I had to leave Spain and return to the U. S. in 2021, even up through this year, I felt like I was almost stuck, like in this stuck mode of what is happening. And so the more I've done my own growth work and read about things, this is necessary. We need to have this sort of cocoon phase where we are allowing ourselves to [00:11:00] recalibrate in order to be able to handle and accept whatever's coming next for us. And Dominique and I have talked about this outside of the podcast, many times, about how we've both felt like that for a while now, and we both feel like this coming year is when things are going to start shifting in terms of where we feel like we're at in our lives, in terms of moving outside of this cocoon phase and spreading our wings a little bit more, in terms of not just our business, but just our life in general.
[00:11:32] Dominique: Yeah, which a lot of exciting things coming. And when we look at Human Design and each of our charts, we're designed to struggle, not suffer. We're designed to struggle because it's through struggle that we learn. We grow. And that's something that was of tremendous help and comfort to [00:12:00] me this past year, especially, as I've been diving deeper into all the nuances with Human Design and incorporating more of it in my coaching as well. And with me having the Gate 28, which in traditional Human Design is the Gate of Struggle, Quantum, it's the Gate of Adventure. For me, I looked at my life for a very long time as a life of suffering and struggle because of all the things that I had experienced. And I will admit, I carried the victim mindset for a very long time, that I didn't really have as much control over my life as I thought I did. When I came to realize it, especially this past year, I decided I am not going to be someone who struggles. I'm going to be someone who experiences challenges that can be adventurous, that can be of great challenge in general and struggle in a way, but I'm not going to let it define who I am. And this hiccup that [00:13:00] I had is simply just that. It's just a little hiccup. And if I fought it, I found that I struggled more, that I was then starting to feel like I was suffering because I was fighting it. I wasn't allowing life to unfold the way it was meant to because of not fully trusting, whether it's source, God, universe, whatever is out there that has our backs, it's really about sometimes it's going to be us doing the complete opposite of what we think we need to do. And a lot of the times, especially in this society, they're like, oh, keep pushing. Just keep going. You'll make it, you just got to keep pushing and giving your all instead of saying this just doesn't feel right. I need complete rest actually. I need to replenish. And it is just a very hard switch to turn on when you have done something one way most of your life. And again, especially with our society pushing us to the extremes with [00:14:00] try harder, work harder, that's the only way you can become successful or make big change in the world. That's something that I really, I leaned into this past year is doing the complete opposite of what I would normally do. And to recognize that, Hey, okay, we're all designed to face challenges, but we're not designed to suffer, and that's key right there too.
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[00:14:55] Karrie: I really love that, that we are designed to struggle, not suffer. That's a great [00:15:00] catchphrase. Looking at the idea of unexpected change or feeling a loss of control from the Enneagram lens, the head types in the head Center of Intelligence, particularly, really like having a plan and knowing what to expect, and those are Enneagram Types 5, 6, and 7. So Type 5 like to rely on their knowledge in order to have this consistent sense of preparedness during times of uncertainty. So they might be very logical and how can we take all the steps we need in order to move through this, and they'll suppress their emotions through the whole thing because that's just not where they'll go in times of stress. Type 6, they always tend to be prepared because they've pre-prepared in their mind for any eventuality that could happen. So a lot of times when a worst case scenario hits, they're calm and cool because they've already mentally prepared themselves for this situation [00:16:00] because they have been struggling internally with this before it happened, but now that it's happening, they're ready because they've already thought it through. And then for Type 7, when any unexpected detour, anything that comes in their life, they will probably switch over to positivity and reframe it in some positive way and look on the bright side of it, how this could be a more exciting adventure, how this pathway could lead to something greater, which we could all learn a little something from that positivity that Type 7 tends to have, as long as we stay grounded in realism as well. And then I just wanted to also mention two other types because these two types tend to struggle with control and they really like having control, and so they can get very thrown off by anything unexpected in life, and that's Types 1 and Type 8 which happens to be my type and my partner's type, so we were both really thrown off when we had our big life change happen, but we got through it. And we got through it without really having a lot of tools to [00:17:00] get through it because we hadn't done a lot of growth work at that point. But I did just keep telling myself, this is happening for a reason, something better is going to come of this, and that is what got me through it, honestly.
[00:17:11] Dominique: Yeah, and like you said before, what, you had a month to plan, like, for the whole move, and
[00:17:17] Karrie: Yeah, an international move.
[00:17:19] Dominique: Oh, boy.
[00:17:19] Karrie: During a pandemic.
[00:17:21] Dominique: Yeah. Yeah, that's...
[00:17:23] Karrie: There were a lot of layers with the pandemic that weren't there when we originally moved, because we didn't need, like, proof that we were COVID negative, and all these things, and yeah, that was another layer of stress. And then we were moving from a country that did not have a lot of division happening because of COVID, and we are moving back to the country, the U.S.., that was super, super divided at that time, and it was really culture shock in that way that people were so divided over things that just weren't an issue in Spain.
[00:17:53] Dominique: Wow. Yeah, and for you to have, like, navigated that as gracefully as you [00:18:00] did between the two of you, like you said, the 1 and the 8 as well, that's pretty amazing.
[00:18:05] Karrie: Yeah. And I mean, I think one of the things that made it better is that's around the time that you and I started connecting more consistently, once I got back for maybe a month or two, and we started video chatting monthly and, that was a big source of comfort and something that I looked forward to and just made me realize, okay, like I can have a life here. I can move on.
[00:18:28] Dominique: Right, right. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah. And that going along with how I said before, especially when we don't have the support that we could use and we all need, like it really is a challenge. So when we go into now a little bit about how you can support yourself and find support and just some more ease if you are currently in the process of navigating something in life that has shook you or whatever it might be, like I mentioned for myself, my goals last year didn't go [00:19:00] according to plan. So some of the things that I really looked at was support from a therapist. And like you just mentioned, Karrie, that when you had made your way back to the States, I didn't know this, but with our communication together, the support that came from that, and I found over this past year, just simple communication with friends that get me, was of so much support in ways that I never imagined. And especially from people that I've met online, and I've never met in person. This year, it really opened my eyes to just how valuable having connection, any type of connection, is so crucial. I've always been a very independent person, and I am comfortable with that. I've had a handful of really good friends and that works great for me, but the friendships really, really came through for me this past year. So I think [00:20:00] if we can all just look at who is a connection that we can go to when we are needing just more grounding and a sense of stability, knowing that you're not alone is a big one. And so seeking out connection in any way possible, even if it's in the community and finding community groups to try to connect more with can be really, really helpful navigating these times when life doesn't go according to plan.
[00:20:28] Karrie: Yeah, and a lot of times it can feel really vulnerable to reach out to people when you're wanting that support, but I think everything you said is exactly right, that when we're struggling through something that is difficult or a big change, it is imperative to have at least that one person who you can talk to, who you can share your fears with, who you can talk about all the emotions you're feeling. And that's just another one that I wanted to add in as something that we [00:21:00] need to allow to happen in these types of situations, and that is to allow for any feelings or emotions you're having to, you have to allow yourself to feel them. You have to have no judgment on these emotions. Change is really hard, like Dominique said in the beginning, and there are going to be a lot of uncomfortable feelings that can arise. When we start judging them, it just makes it worse, it makes it more difficult to move through them, it makes us feel badly about ourselves, and so like we've said, you need to allow those emotions, don't judge them, and truly feel them, and they're gonna last as long as they're going to last.
[00:21:41] Dominique: Yeah, and I love that you bring that up again, because that just popped into mind. A process that I used throughout this past year and that I currently use, I've used with clients, is something called RAIN. So the acronym stands for Recognize, Allow, Investigate, [00:22:00] and Nurture. And so when I was dealing with a lot of strong emotions this past year, it was a matter of recognizing what that emotion was. Can I allow it? Can you allow it? Whatever's coming up for you? Can you allow it? Can you let it just be what it is for this moment? And then after you allow it, going in to investigate it and asking like, why did this come up for me? Was it something that you were reading in the moment or that you heard in conversation and again, just allowing curiosity to be a big part of this process. No judgment, just simple curiosity. And after investigating it, and for myself, anger was something that came up a lot, nurturing it. So how can I give myself what I'm needing in this moment? And a lot of the times what comes up is something that we experienced a [00:23:00] lot when we were younger, and we didn't have a caregiver give us the proper comfort for processing these strong emotions. And anger's something I repressed a lot when I was younger. So I came to recognize that this is something I would repress, so I need to get it out. For me to nurture my anger, I would scream into a pillow, and that was a way for me to rid my body of this energy that was stuck. So going through this process of RAIN can be a really powerful technique for just moving these emotions through your system in a very graceful way because they're not getting stuck and they're not sitting around for as long as they would if we were trying to resist them or ignore them.
[00:23:48] Karrie: So true. With that, we can look at these difficult times that all of us inevitably will experience in our lives as little [00:24:00] tests. These are the tests where we get to try out all these tools we've accumulated, all of this growth we've done, and it's really easy to be in your comfort zone and see how you've grown. But it's when we're given these life tests that we really see, have we grown? Are we able to use these tools like RAIN, like mindfulness, being present, using breathing, using meditation in order to surrender and accept what is happening to us rather than fighting against it. So many of us, I think, immediately fight against it, try to look for a way to avoid whatever's happening, try to ignore what's happening, we might dissociate and just try to pretend it's not happening to us, and that just prolongs the inevitable.
[00:24:49] Dominique: Yeah. And who wants to feel discomfort? Who wants to feel pain? None of us want to experience that, but there's this analogy with the [00:25:00] buffalo. And the buffalo is one of the only creatures on the plains out West, when a storm comes in, they go towards it. Whereas the cows, they run away because of the fear of the storm that they know is coming. The buffalo runs towards it because it knows that, hey, I'm going to experience discomfort. If I just go into it, I'm going to get to the other side much more quickly to where I can finally be at peace. So when we look at are we prolonging the discomfort when we are trying to run away and fight and ignore. And ultimately, in my own life, yes, I prolonged my discomfort. And that's why surrendering is something that I really focused on this past year. But if you just pause and take a moment when things really come up for you and just ask yourself, can I be with this right now? The majority of the time it's safe [00:26:00] to be with the discomfort, to recognize it, to give it its moment, and to know that you can get through to the other side and find this place of peace and ease by allowing and understanding that you're not meant to suffer. You're going to experience struggle, but that is what is gonna uplevel you to the next place of growth.
[00:26:24] Karrie: And just having that trust that whatever's happening is happening for your higher good, for your future self, that there is a reason, there is something to the big picture of what is happening, and not everyone will be able to cultivate that because if you don't believe in any level of higher power or universal power or something like that it might be difficult but maybe just knowing that life is just giving you a lesson and you're going to come out of it stronger on the other side [00:27:00] and you'll have a whole new set of tools, emotional regulatory tools, to rely upon that can be of comfort as well. And having gratitude for everything we've experienced, even if we're mourning that it is finished, whether it's a relationship or job, a place you've lived that you unexpectedly lose, having gratitude for the experience of it, it's the old saying that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is really true because at least it gave us an experience and that chapter has closed and we are moving on to the next chapter.
[00:27:35] Dominique: Yep, absolutely. I will say that that is something I would say to myself quite frequently this past year. And it's so true. It's something where without these challenges, without these struggles, then really there is no growth and healing.
[00:27:58] Dominique: Thank you for [00:28:00] listening to this episode. Your support is so appreciated.
[00:28:04] Dominique: If you'd like to have a question answered about your Human Design or Enneagram type in a future episode, you can submit it through the link in the show notes. We'd love to hear from you.
